You know, sometimes I wanna quit. ok, more than sometimes. Often. Often I want to quit. Often I want to throw in the towel, call it a day and go home. Often I want to give up. More than often. Almost daily.
Every week goes the same. The days coming up to wednesday consist of me wondering what in the world I should do. Almost frantically, I prepare what little I feel I know, and then wednesday comes. I wake up. I stay in bed a little longer than I should, wondering if I didn't get out, would any notice? of course they would, and I'd be in trouble for it. i don't really have an option.
So I get up. Again. And like every week before that, I wonder why I do this? Why I put myself through it all. Why. Why. Why shouldn't I leave? It's this all worth it? No one ever said that carrying vision would be easy. I've never been promised that. I know what He's called me to do, but what was once conviction is taking some convincing.
Then I put my plan into action, the one I made up frantically in the past few days, and hours leading up to this. The kids come in. It's go time. Not performace time, but pour out time. Time to give it all we got, even though sometimes I don't feel like I got all that much to give, and thats when it happens. A kid tells me something important.They let go and raise their hands when they sing. Holy Spirit whispers a word to give to one of them in worship. I see them understanding the Word more. I hold a broken kid as they cry. They come up to me after and ask me to pray for them for something. Whatever it is, I get lost in it and somewhere inbetween the caos of it all I forget. I forget that only hours before I contemplated walking out. Giving up. Finding a "real job". I forget and my heart turns soft and I love what I do. Every week, on wednesdays about 9:00, I smile. I think, "I am where I am supposed to be. This, for now, is right."
Then I go home to sleep. I sleep well those nights. Rested and satisfied. But then I wake up and it's thursday-and already I think - "shoot... it's almost Wednesday!" and we start all over again.
