I couldn't help but notice... that.. I got screwed out of going to Fjij... again. it was about this time last year when the first grant proposal didn't go through, and my heart shattered, for loss of dreams hoped. Since then we've been trying. Reapplying. Twice since then. Once more rejected, now the third we had to pull because of all this political stuff going on. I hate it. I hate what's happening. I hate what it's doing to the work there. I hate how it's affecting my fjijan family who have to live through it there. I hate it all. That's my first concern. My fijian family, there. Planting so faithfully. Working for the Lord. They are hurt from this. But after that, I hate that I can't go there now. I've been dreaming for years (literally) to go back. It's been so up and down. I've wanted to run away there. To be a worker for the harvest. Away from the obligations and structures and paperwork of canada.... Away from the bratty kids who think that it's their right to have fun games, and get jones sodas and candy and to be on worship teams. They think they own it all. I don't remember the last sincere "thank you" that I got. They can be so spoilt.
Yet there, there is so little, that anything is exciting for them. I'm not fighting culture trying to be cool enough. I'm not trying to win their affection. Just that I'm there seemed to be good enough for them. If I was there... I could help plant churches. The one in the valley, by Labasa. Who is taking care of their youth? Who is teaching them the word and telling them about the power they have in Christs resurrection? Who is planning events for them, and doing fun things with them? Who is discipling them? It's not fair. Why am I still here? Why can't I go? When will it be time? I hate this.
I try to be content. I do. But the dream of going has kept me alive through some pretty hard seasons here. And now I can't go. I really haven't had much time to process that at all yet. I've been to busy convincing myself that I didn't care, and that it wasn't the right time, and that it's better to wait. But I do care. I am hurt. And this desire that I have wont go away. Even when life here gets so busy... it's still there... in the back of my mind, in my heart. Waiting for the time that my heart can go home. I dont know why I love it there so much. It hurts thinking about it, cause I know I can't go. And now I don't know when. And I hate that. I really do. I wish that I could end this in a word of hope- but this is one of the days that I dont see it. I hate this whole situation. Lord, restore that which was lost. That's all I know to say.
