a poem

I would not call myself a poet
by any sort of the word
yet I wish I had
the hand of a steady writer
to use my pen as a weapon
of which to change minds
and turn heads
and provoke thought.
I would turn
words
into beautiful meadows
in which to rest
and flowing waterfalls
under which to bathe
I'm not a poet
by any sort of the word
but I am willing.

-Jen Kelly

a confession

we have not had youth for one month and 5 days. I have a confession to make. It's hard.

My work is ministry. My life is ministry. I have not been planning things, or writing sermons. And that's hard. So often I find my identity in what I do, and so often I forget to find it in who I am in Him. It's hard. I'm a little lost. I almost don't know what to do with myself. There have been many seasons in my life where i've felt I was drowning in stuff. This is not one of them. This is a season that's been very bare, and a little lonely. When ministry is all stripped away, I can feel kinda empty inside. And I don't like that. I need to remember in whom I find my identity...... And I need to get a lot of paper work done, which is not the part i'm missing or find identity in...

unwritten proverb

An independent spirit, tamed, is a blessing. An independent spirit, untamed, is demonstrative & destructive. Nothing good can come from it.

....a little easier said than done.

Isaiah 61

I'd had this thought, like that this year is meant to be a year of healing. At first I thought it was just for me.... (it's amazing the kind of stuff that freedom sessions will bring up.) But as I keep going, and listening, and hearing what other people are talking about.... I think that this is, like most things, a lot bigger than me. I also think that this wont be the only entry I make on the topic.

See vs 1 and 2

1 THE SPIRIT of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed and qualified me to preach the Gospel of good tidings to the meek, the poor, and afflicted; He has sent me to bind up and heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the [physical and spiritual] captives and the opening of the prison and of the eyes to those who are bound

2 To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord [the year of His favor] and the day of vengeance of our God....

Todays focus: to firstly proclaim the year of His favor. This is the year we will see His favor poured out on His people. Secondly: to proclaim the day of His vengeance. This is the year that we will see the vengeance of God poured out on those who deserve vengeance.

I'm really excited about the redemptive nature that I know my Father has. As Is 61 goes on, it describes more about the way God's economy works. Beauty for ashes. Joy instead of mourning. Praise instead of heaviness. My God is into restoration. My God is into healing.

Todays homework (whether you do it or not... I'll get you later anyways) but read through Is 61. Ask God if there is a verse that applies to what He wants to do in your life. You be surprised at the healing He wants to bring, if we'd just let Him...

until next time...

136

It's 136 days till I get to go back to Fiji. I started a new journal today. One that I specifically bought for the trip, and the months leading up to it. It's taken me a while to get around to writing in it. Partially cause I think I've been dealing with a lots of my own stuff right now. Its hard to start new journeys while still sorting through the old ones- but I'm getting there.

I closed my eyes and pictured myself there. Sometimes I think it's the only thing that keeps me going in the day to day of ministry here. I've tried, desperately, to love my "here".. and I do... yet... still this longing.. but all that's ok. I get to now, live in the balance. I love 'this', and I'll love 'that'. And 'that' is in only 136 days.

I'm really excited about bringing people along on the journey. Every few days I get to talk to someone who is coming, or is thinking of coming along. I feel silly because each conversation I have gets me all giddy and smiley and stuff. I feel kind of silly, but then again... I don't care at all.

anything can bring me back there. A short video clip, a song, a picture, even a passing memory. I've been waiting a long time for this... over a year and a half to be exact. but soon... soon it will be time. and i look forward to it.

Sabbath

There's something that I'm learning this Christmas. I stopped working, at least during the holidays. I haven't written any sermons, taken notes or planned youth events. I haven't prepared calendars or met with youth for coffee. I haven't really done much of anything. I've spent time reading, and writing, and watching movies. I've drank lots of coffee, and ate lots of christmas foods. I've played piano and I've thought allot. You know what I've accomplished? Nothing. And you know what I like about that? Everything.

I'm learning a bit about rest. A bit about sabbath. A bit about how my striving doesn't make God any more sovereign or mighty or able to save than He was before. About how me trying to control and run everything really will get me nowhere, and fast. Well, it may get me somewhere. To an early grave. It may get me burnt out and good for nothing. I could loose my saltiness, and be good for nothing, but to be trampled on underfoot. But frankly, I like being salty. I think I'm better that way.

I think we need to learn to protect ourselves. Take care of ourself. Learn to fill ourselves up so that we are refreshed and ready to give out. I think sometime in church circles we strive on giving giving giving. We quote "freely you have received, now freely give." Give, give, give. Give of what? of what we receive. But where are you receiving? You who are in ministry, when are you filling up, so you have something to give out? I risk sounding selfish, I know. But I don't care. I see people all around me who don't know how to rest. (myself being one of them, and I'm learning. Slowly. But I am)

The 10 Commandments is quoted twice in the OT. Both have a slight variation that unless you were looking for it, you may not see.

In Exodus, we are reminded, as the 8th commandment, to observe the sabbath. It is reminded to us that God did all that work in 6 days, and then rested.

In Deuteronomy we are reminded that we were slaves in Egypt, and that with His mighty Hand and His outstretched arm, the Lord has redeemed us from slavery. We are no longer slaves. Yet we slave away. Driven, always. Neglecting rest, often. Feeling guilty when we try to slow down. As if by striving, God would be more powerful and would move more on our behalf. I am chained, often to that striving. I am often it's slave. I need to learn to observe the Sabbath.

...viti....

I just called my friend Pastor Salen in Fiji. I wanted to tell him that I got ordained. He nearly shouted in joy. It was so wonderful to hear his voice again. He was standing by the ocean, looking at Voro Voro where the team went swimming once. I wish I could see it in more than my minds eye. I miss it there. I miss Labasa. I got an email from him a few days ago. Things are going well there. Mangoes are in season. I'm jealous.

Then I read up on the Millars in Fiji and how they are doing.

I feel so... jealous. and so alone at the same time. I wish I was there. I wish I could go.

The grant did not go through. Again. But we are going to reapply. Either way, on May 24th, I am leaving for FIJI. I try to pretend like it's not happening so I can live happily in each day... but I long for it. I dont' know why. I can't explain it. I try to play like I dont care... but I wish this season would end so that season could start. There is so much paper work this side. So much stress. So much busy. I'm so done. and I'm so jealous.

the gate and the promise

I believe that God is ready to move, I believe He would say that "I am coming quickly, I am about to do a new thing, you cannot contain it."

Prophetic people desire understanding. We like to know about a move of God before the move happens. We enjoy being able to say "Praise the Lord!" and then add, "I knew that was going to happen"

I feel like what is happening now is that God's promise is coming, and the role of the prophet not to understand this one, but to warn the people of the gate. The gate is this word: "I am coming quickly, I am about to do a new thing, you cannot contain it." This is simply the gate to open the promise land of what God wants to do. I believe when we know about this gate and open our hearts to it, it will swing wide the gate itself, and the true promise will flow forth. First the correct position needs to be assumed. We need to be on our knees with arms open wide saying "whatever you want, Lord. We just want your presence!"

We need to be OK to not understand what is coming. We need to stop building structures for the the presence of God to dwell in. When Jesus died and tore the veil, God was saying "I don't want to live inside these four walls anymore!" We cannot contain what is coming. We cannot assume that it is our job to prepare something for this move of God to be accepted by the people, or to be fitting with our busy schedules, or to work on our terms of any sort. I would love to see us stop worshiping the structures of the church, and start worshiping the One who chose not to live in the four walls of any temple, but in the deep places of the hearts of man. When we come together, may it not be a pat on the back-"you can get through this next week"- time. May we assume the correct position. "Whatever you want Lord. We just want your presence!"

do you get it yet?

Part of me wants to reach right down inside you and fix you. Part of me wants to scream at you until you get it. THERE IS MORE. More than what you know, more than what you see and definitely more than what you reach for. Sometimes I see a glimpse. A glimpse of hope. A small change, an opening up of who you are, and could be if you were to pursue those things. Then, as usual, something else comes along and smashes is down. Sometimes it feels like a punch in the gut. Other times, like an aching feeling in my heart.

I know that change, good change anyhow, comes over time. I know that. But it's just these dashed glimmers of hope, that maybe maybe you're alright. Maybe you're changing. Maybe what God has planned for you and what I see could be, maybe it's coming out.

I know there is more for you. I just wish you could see it. I just wish you knew.

I kinda makes you wonder what the heart of our loving Father feels like. How He must yearn and ache for us to "get it". wow...

Solitude

Solitude is the furnace of transformation rather than an escape from busyness. Times of solitude develop sensitivity to God and allow us to savour intimate moments, to let them fill us and satisfy us.
-Lorie Martin, Author of Invited

is it time?

As I typed out the last paragraphs of the grant application, a flood of emotions came over me. Not one emotion. Not even two. To be honest, I don't even know what to think.

Fiji is not just some place on a map. It's not just a bunch of islands, and some people. Along time ago, I began asking the Lord what He wanted from me. What should I do for Him? What can I give Him?

Night after night I'd ask, and night after night I'd get the same answer. "I just want your heart"

I was confused. I thought I had done that. I thought we we're squared up- yet the same response again and again caused me to question, "What does He mean?" When we went to Fiji the first time, I had asked, no, even told God: "Give me your heart for these people. Don't send me if you can't give me your heart." As I sat one day, in a few moments of stolen solitude, overlooking the south pacific ocean from a bamboo bench, I felt something. I think in that moment God put missions in my heart. Before then, I didn't like missions much. I was convinced that I was not called to missions. But there, on that trip, something changed. I fell in love with fiji. The people, the culture, the land. God put it in my heart, because it's in His- and now, more than two years later from that afternoon on the bench, my heart still yearns to be with the people of Fiji.

It's been hard. This thing thats so in my heart, I feel I've had to die to time and time again. It's not time, it's not time, it's not time. I wish some times that I could just go. I wish I could leave this. All this stress. All this technology. All this administrative stuff. All this waste. Something in me wants to run away to the simpler pace of life that is Fiji. But it's not time. I remember the feeling I had when it was time to leave after my one and a half month trip, about this time last year. I felt sick to my stomach entering the airport. So .... big. So commercial. I had just come from the village. I wanted to stay. The contrast was too much.

I didn't know what I was going back to. Life took a slow time getting started once I came home. Eventually I found my footing, just in time to enter in to a dark season of the soul. God was doing some inner purging. Meanwhile on the top, youth continued at full speed and in the new year, became a source of actual (part time) income. I fell in love again with youth ministry. Which took time, because often I think of Fiji. Often I wish it were time. Often I dream. Often.

So now this grant comes up. A second time. The first time got my hopes up and dashed them. So this time, I walk on eggshells. I love what I do. Youth. Soon to be Mexico and Chapel. I love it all. I love ministry. I love the people here,.. but what about... what about there? is there something there for me? am i done there? Is it a not now? or a not never? What if this grant goes through? what about youth? what about solo? what about maca? what about? The reality of what this grant going through to me, is so much bigger than steve or those guys think. to me, this is life. Something like this grant could be the start of what I think I was made for. But all I need to know.. .is... is it time?

clean

I think i've tries tried to read through the Bible probably a dozen or so times before. I think I've probably stopped once i got to Leviticus. this time I'm determined to make it through. it all seems so meaningless... or is it?

There was such care and strategy placed on the Presence of God. Such holy reverence. A true and serious respect. Step by step, everything.. EVERYTHING was done right. Done exactly as the Lord asked. Done exactly how He wanted it.

Everything and everyone was so clean, so pure and so serious about the altar and the holy of holies. According to Jewish tradition, the priest had bells on the bottom of His robe, and a rope around his ankle. If the bells stopped ringing, it was assumed he had died in the presence of a most holy God, and the would pull him out by the rope.

Though I am eternally grateful that Jesus was the final sin offering, and that I can come boldly to the throne, sure of His glad welcome, I regret the way Christ followers today have forsaken the reverence and awe that Holy One of Israel demands.

I'm surprised at His mercy and patience with us. Time and time again, we defile His presence. We have forgotten the gravity of entering in. Grace says "Come in, the curtain was torn!" and I agree full heartedly. Yet, are we not to revere the Lord? Fear Him for He is holy? Consecrate ourselves that He may come? Jesus came not to abolish the law, but to fulfill it. Yet in the name of "grace" have we not disregarded the all that He wrote in the earlier parts of His Holy Book?

If we are to see the fullness's of His presence, if we are to receive all the He has for us, if we are to truly enter into the fullness of His grace, can I convey from my heart my deepest desire? Lord, would we not grieve Your Holy Spirit. Would we revere Your presence. There is more of You that we have not seen. I'm looking forward to the day when we cannot stand in the chapel, for our knees fall weak before You. I'm looking forward to the day when you come in power and overtake our services, our meetings, our worship times. Not only at church, please Lord. Please- overtake our homes, our families, our jobs. Our day to day. Holy spirit, forgive us. Forgive us. Forgive us.

"Who may ascend the hill of the Lord? Who may stand in His holy place? He who has clean hands and a pure heart. Who has not lifted us his soul to an idol, nor sworn deceitfully... such is the generation of those who seek You, who seek your face, O God of Jacob...." Psalm 24:3,4,6

dancing in the fields.

There is this something inside of me that wants to have all my ducks in a row. I want to have everything under control. I want to know what we are doing, where we are going, and what I need to do to get us there. That is the role of an administrative type person.

But I've been thinking. I think God likes wildflowers.

Untamed, natural beauty. Grown not because it was in a green house, or in precise little rows. These small colorful beauties grow just because He wants them too. They grow where He wants them to, and how He wants them to.

I want to live a lot less like petunias and a lot more like fireweed. I want ministry too look a lot more like a lush meadow with tall grass painted with flowers of purple and white, and a lot less like an institution.

Maybe I don't need to have all my ducks in a row to find success in what He's doing. Maybe all I need to do is continue to water the things that He's already planted. Maybe then I'd spend a lot less time worrying and a lot more time dancing in the fields with the One who made the fields...

my altar

So I'm reading through the Bible in 90 days. Or at least trying to. It's not going so well yet, but it IS going, so... I'll stick with that. I'm hoping to catch up on my 20 hr ride to nowhere tomorrow. Don't know if I actually will, but it's a nice thought.

Pushing through Genesis caused me to see something. Altars.

It was so common for people to build an altar to remember the good God had done. We live in a fast paced society. We are a fast paced people. We rarely stop to breath, let alone remember. Even in our spiritual lives we run from one thing to the next. Always on the go, always heading forward- and fast. Never looking back.

I like the past. I like the things I've seen God do. I look back and say, "look at the pit from which I was hewn!" Look at where I was heading. Look at how good He has been to me! Look at that He's done! I kept reading, about the people and their altars, and how they'd remember and thankfulness rose up inside of me.

I'm so thankful for where he has taken me. I'm so thankful for all He has done with the youth, and at classic. I'm so thankful that He opens door for me, like Mexico. I'm so thankful that I was born here, that I have the parents I do, and the family and church family that I do. I'm so thankful that I'm supported and loved. I'm so thankful for the opportunities He's given me and the life I get to live. What a privilege. THank you Lord!

In running to "the next thing" and the "fresh revelation" and all those good things, may I never stop giving thanks, and may I always remember all that you have done. You are so faithful. Thank you.

CLASSIC 2010 "note"

.....What's that? ....its quiet.

I havn't heard much quiet these past few days....

I... I seem to be lost for words. another rarity.

Classic is over. Four days with 27 junior highers in the bush is done. It was, by far, the best classic yet. God is so faithful. Leading up to classic (or any big event really) I come under a lot of attack. A lot. Tons of doubt floods my mind and I consider throwing in the towel. time & time again. I know the truth that the greater the attack, the greater the breakthrough, but sometimes i wish it could be easier.

I saw kids hear Gods voice for the first time. I saw others get reunited with a heavenly Father who has been waiting to talk to them. I saw kids prophecy over each other. I saw kids encounter the undeniable presence of God for the first time. Get filled with the holy spirit for the first time, speak in tongues for the first time. With tears streaming down many faces, I saw kids get reignited and refilled. Stirred with fresh passion.

I saw the faithfulness of God to bring about the things that you've yearned for. Long for. Prayed for. Cried over and ached for. I saw Him come through.

I saw my heart reconnect with a place and a people that I have, at times despised. I long for distant shores, and it's hard to stay home. It's hard to keep plowing and planting when the soil is so hard here. It's hard ground, and there is often little fruit.

I saw good fruit this week. I'm so pleased. I got home and lay on my bed for moment with this joy in my heart as a Voice in my spirit spoke so clearly : "You conquered! you conquered!" I feel like God is smiling on me. I feel Him say "Well done, good and faithful servant" I think I needed to conquer, to override some feelings of defeat.

I saw Him changing me. I feel different now. I can't put my finger on it, but it's something. Something good.

I want to say that Classic is over, but .... I have a feeling that it's really only just begun.

( i guess i found my words... ) :0 Until next time

Jen

...

it's funny how a few words can bring you back to memories you tired to forget. It's funny how a picture can bring back emotions you thought you left behind. I still have a soft heart toward you. it's funny, another word for alone is...well...you know the rest.

I HAVE A GOAL

I have a goal to be the most organized for this classic than I have EVER been before. I have a goal to surprise myself and get'er done way before , so that ... the week of and the days of i am not stressed. that is my goal. a stress free classic. i dont know if thats even possible... but.... here's hoping.

i've got good family

i've got good family. good good family. im not so much talking about my blood related family, though they're good too. im talking about the 30 minute calls from grandma ruth, and the random coffees with kate because she was thinking and praying about me. im talking about the kind words in the office when i needed a little encouragement but didn't have the courage to ask. im talking about my family. the people who seemed to be able to read what im not saying, and communicate what i need but fail to request. sometimes i don't like how we do things here. but i do like who we do them with. i've got good family.

somewhere over the rainbow

sometimes i think about the fact that you are somewhere, doing something, and i dont even know it. you have some job i dont know about, and drive some car that i've never seen. maybe you go to some church that i've never been to and have some friends that i've never met and laugh at some jokes i've never heard. all i do know is that you are. somewhere, you are. and every day of not knowing brings me one day closer to knowing. and thats what gets me by. that one day you'll be at some job that i know about, and have friends that im friends with and laugh at things that i get. but probably we'll still drive my car. im just saying....

im in quarantine

I'm 22. I've lived in this house all my life. about 3 years ago we got new neighbors. It took them 2 years to realize that I lived in this house too. I "live" here, but really, what that means is that my stuff is here and I sleep here. Sometimes, if im lucky. I eat here. I try to anyways, cause it's cheeper that way. I'm not really at home that often. but>> For the next week, I will be at home. I will not go out. I will not see ppl. I will be here. In my house. Here's why.