hold your tounge

Never ask for somthing that you arn't ready for. I've been asking the Lord to do stuff in me. Make me into the person that He wants me to be. Those kind of upgrades don't acctually come free. They cost..oh do they cost...I'm having one of those days. You know the kind. The kind in which it feels like every ounce of patience you have is being tested. You have little if any left. Oh my tounge hurts from being bitten. So finally my family goes out. Oh my heart jumped. Time to myself. I could only have dreamed of this. Things were looking up. If all you're dealing w/ is yourself, patience comes all to easy. Then the door bell rang.----(long pause I made before moving towards the door) You have GOT to be kidding me. "All too soon" i spoke out loud...all too soon.. i expect to see my mom, getting somthing she needed but forgot. No it's not, it's my brother, home from a friends. My glass ball of freedom has been shattered right after if was given as a gift... Can't the world just leave me alone??? Can't I have some quite??? I'm glad you can't see the annoyance on my face...hostility...breath in breath out ...in ...out ...in ..out. I can't so this much longer...I'll look up. help me. show me reason. It's not like my world has fallen apart. Nothing drastic happened to me today. Just don't touch me, or come near me....20 feet may be safe...I don't know.You know what? I'm not going to do this anymore. I am going to try...no ...screw trying. Im gonna stop this childishness. I choose to be joyful...and aproachable. Being impatient is not fun. I don't feel nice on the inside. Why am I telling you all this?? Oh I don't know . Do they make bandades for your tounge?

beaten senseless

So I'm at superstore today, ( i was ther far too long, but thats another story in and of itself) I there, and I glance over at the sea food section to see somthing that I was quite ...well i was taken back by the whole happening. There's the fish in the tanks right? So I won't go all " they can't survive in there" stuff that i could get into, cause they can't survive in my stomache after I eat them either...so there goes that argument... But when you buy them...the little fish man behind the counter scoops up little Flipper (thats what I named the fish I saw) (course I really named him right now for sakeof my story...added effect you know) and he takes this orange thing and beats the fish till it stops moving. Can you belivev that ? I mean, forget parana Dora from the amazon, this fish murder's the real deal...like a grim reaper of fish. So once they finnish knocking the fish around till it dies, they happily hand it over to the customer. Dead. In a bag. beaten senseless. Gone to littel fishie heaven... I suppose it's for the best. can you imagine if they didn't kill the fish before hand? I mean how'd you like to have this on your tomb stone " There was no 'batter' father than Flipper Fishton...." or some other joke about lying in peaces of fish sticks instead of in peace......I know, im not really that funny....anyways, I hope no one I knew saw me watch them murder Flipper, my face must have been a sight to see in itself...

christmas shopping comentary

So I went Christmas shopping again today. Grrr. I can't stand that sport. Everyone at the mall is always ticked off, even the depressed looking sally ann person with that bell. Are't they supposed to be joyful?? The clerks are jerks, and im sure it not just cause that rymes so well.. I hate christmas shopping. In case you're wondering, I do see the irony in this, im not the village idot.. It's worse when you can't find what you're looking for, or even worse when you don't know what you're looking for. Then, you can even get the stressed worker to help you find it, cause you don't know what IT is. It's funny. I can find lots of things for me...but some how I think that misses the point. Then we come across the "cheep" problem. (I'd blame it on being dutch, but I'm not....) It's like this, you are too cheep to get somthing for someone that they'll actually like, i mean somthing worthwhile, yet to get somthing that was reasonably priced , they wont like it. It's generally novelty anways. Chocolates? Anyone likes chocolates, but they hate to get them ,cause they think they're fat. Chocolates don't make you fat. If they did, then willy wonka would look like agustus gloop, then again, i suppose that gloop kid looked like that for a reason...chocolate? So by giving chocolates, what are you saying? You're fat, here it doesnt matter if you eat these? or how bout ..I can't think of anything creative , so here, have these. I dunno. I bought someone chocolates today. It feels like christmas shoppers writing block. Nothing to say, but the papers due so you make it up. Or how about those blasted relatives that you only see at christmas, what of them ? The present to them is more like your once a year aknowlegment of theire existance and is always generic and sterotypical. Oh what christmas shopping does to my creativity's ego. It hurts I tell you, hurts....

a little more effort please

"Great job up there!!" I was in the childrens christmas production today, and though the crowd loved my performance, I felt unworthy of even one compliment. For something that matters, one puts in a lot. For somthing that doesn't, not so much. I put in a not so much effort for this play, therfore, I couldn't accept any praise. You know, Im comming to relize that if anything is going to count, I have to belive that it counts, you know? It's not like suff happens on its own. I know, I'm not making any sence, it's late... But no, really, when you belive in the general beauty of somthing, belive in the fact theat it has a purpose, that it is a "stepping stone" dare I say, then and only then do those things count. I intended on writing about something quite diverse than yesterdays, but I guess this is just what's on my mind. I can't stand the fact that I so often allow myself to put in half jobs. When you do that, you have nothing to be proud of, you are simply a wimp, kind of like how I felt today when people commented on my acting "skills" -if I can even say that now- I didnt put anything into that. i have more in me. I wanted to tell the people that I can do better, Oh! watch, I 'll do better, but by then, it's too late. Too late to make up for what he didn't put in in the first place. When an artist paints, he paints with all he has, and presents the finnished product. Complete. Done. C'est fini. He doen't wait, see the poeples reaction and then say, oh wait I can do better. No, he does it all the first time. Rambling, I know, but you'll get used to it. I want to be one who does things to perfection. thats hard for me to say, for I am, regretfully, sometimes a slacker. Aren't we all from time to time? Be one who can say, why yes, I worked hard toward that. Not that you did it in your srength anyway, but that is a whole other topic, and boy, it is getting late...

Stepping Stones

So, life goes on as I knew it would,but in and amongst all the holiday mess and confusion, I was left to sit and reflect. What am I doing this for? Not anything festive or anything specific thing at all for that matter, but what am I doing, why am i here? are these too big of questions to ask oneself? The things I do now, of what significance are they to my future? I do lots, does any of it matter? "Why yes, yes it does.." my concience reminds me in an "as matter of fact" kind of way. I mean, I do alot of things. I enjoy so many of the arts, from production and lighting to Painting and sculpting. what does this all mean? what are these in my life? Stepping stones. Thats what they are . Stepping stones. You see, after the first foundation of Christ, all I do is building apon that. I need to learn to rest in that, you know? Knowing that the things I have desires for, the things I enjoy, I enjoy them for a reason....God has a purpose for that. Its all building on the foundation of Him. They say that Rome wasn't buit in a day. I had the opportunity to go to Rome this year, but I turned it down...money doesn't grow on trees you know. The main reason that I wanted to go, apart from the fact that IT'S ROME!! was the saying "rome wasn't built in a day". Rightly so, I wouldn't expect it to have been build in one day . But I want to see this thing that has such a reptation for taking a long time. Why? you ask, well I am not being built in one day. Im on a journey, I have things to do each day that are building toward somthing greater...bigger... and larger than life. So what did I do today? I built with stones that led to destiny. How was your day?