a little more effort please

"Great job up there!!" I was in the childrens christmas production today, and though the crowd loved my performance, I felt unworthy of even one compliment. For something that matters, one puts in a lot. For somthing that doesn't, not so much. I put in a not so much effort for this play, therfore, I couldn't accept any praise. You know, Im comming to relize that if anything is going to count, I have to belive that it counts, you know? It's not like suff happens on its own. I know, I'm not making any sence, it's late... But no, really, when you belive in the general beauty of somthing, belive in the fact theat it has a purpose, that it is a "stepping stone" dare I say, then and only then do those things count. I intended on writing about something quite diverse than yesterdays, but I guess this is just what's on my mind. I can't stand the fact that I so often allow myself to put in half jobs. When you do that, you have nothing to be proud of, you are simply a wimp, kind of like how I felt today when people commented on my acting "skills" -if I can even say that now- I didnt put anything into that. i have more in me. I wanted to tell the people that I can do better, Oh! watch, I 'll do better, but by then, it's too late. Too late to make up for what he didn't put in in the first place. When an artist paints, he paints with all he has, and presents the finnished product. Complete. Done. C'est fini. He doen't wait, see the poeples reaction and then say, oh wait I can do better. No, he does it all the first time. Rambling, I know, but you'll get used to it. I want to be one who does things to perfection. thats hard for me to say, for I am, regretfully, sometimes a slacker. Aren't we all from time to time? Be one who can say, why yes, I worked hard toward that. Not that you did it in your srength anyway, but that is a whole other topic, and boy, it is getting late...