of concern

I was across the border this past weekend. I have a small concern. Canada could be filled with creeps and terrorist and all other sorts of evil villains, and "we just don't know. Can we trust someone we don't know about? We just dont't know. We are not making this up. We're not allowed to make stuff up . "(sorry, that one only a few will get) but really. I crossed the border with a group of friends. I not only needed a passport but a letter from my parents saying that I was allow to go. Gee, I felt cool. "daddy, can you pweese sign dis so I can go on the road trwip wif my frwends??" argg. So they let us into the states. Now this is completely not connected, but my starbucks cost me the same american as it would canadian. (Now THAT is unnerving in itself.) Anyways, here's the real issue. Coming back into Canada, there is a small toll booth type "hut" and they guy asked if where we were from, and what we bought. That was it. Not looking at documents. Who else have the let into my homeland?? Im slightly concened. You should be too. Just think, I could be a deranged murderer, and you are so oblivious that you even read my blog....

Out Cold

The clock screams. I wake up, the cold bites at my hands. The morning is dark. I dare not remove myself from the blankets that contain warmth. please, don't make me get out....the clock screams silently with red numbers that tell me to rise. Please...it's so cold...I can't. Frozen feet hit the floor, another morning has dawned, and other day of life begun.

Ok, so maybe it wasn't all the bad, but the hot water heater busted, and my house is cold untill it's fixed. This morning was like one of those harsh winter mornings when the air is so cold, you want to stay in bed all day just to avoid it, but you can't. When I opened my bedroom door there was a gush of warm air. Ah, warmth. Delighful, really. I suppose I could have slept with my door open and taken some heat from the gas fireplace downstairs, but who sleeps with thier door open anymore...

Bathroom Humor

Have you ever been to Moxies? I was at the one down town yesterday, and the coolest thing was in the bathroom . wait...first let's start from the beginnig. I love that restaurant. I love the decore, and the ambiance, or feeliing of the place.. I really like it. now that that's out of the way..., the bathroom, amazing. Huge room, TV, fire place...and when you look at the inside of the stall doors, the white plexy-glass-like-stuff changes color, but only from the inside.It is amazing, really. I was so impressed ( and perplexed at how they did it) that I went and excitedly told Sandra. She wanted to see, and myself, knowing that the food was far off, came along to see what she thought. She goes in the same stall I had view this wonder from. " ...it's not changing color..." Well, surely it is, I was just in there a second ago. I check the another stall. It changes color, as the first one did. Strange that Sadra could not see it... "But this one does..." I answer. ''Jen.." -hesitant pause-"it's the color from the TV' --laugher errupts from the bathroom as I realise my stupidity. Go to Moxies, it's really cool. Imagine, being showed up by the blond. Sorry Sandra.

enough

Hello, I'm calling ...hello, I'm calling on behalf of..calling....behalf...Hello.....argg. I 've definatly had enough. You know your job sucks when you don't want school to end cause you know you have to go to work... Thanks for your time, have a great evening, bye.

Me First

Say what you will.
Call it concern.
Call it complaint.
Some "draw the line"
I draw a circle,
slowly step inside
Lord, let revival start in this circle.

a horse of course

What are we teaching our kids these days? I was babysitting earler, and the girl I was watching got sick of playing school and looks at me and says, "do you want me to give you a tattoo?" So she pulls out this tattoo kit, I kid you not, made all purple and sparlky and you spray on tattoos. Are you not as shocked as I? I mean, are the biker types trying to get them hooked early? I don't know. I used to be all 'pro tattoo', now they repulse me, so my opinin on tattooed children may be biased, cause I don't really like tattooed adults either, but really guys, what is the world comming to? I though little girls are supposed to dream about being princesses in gorgeous gowns, and being swept off thier feet onto valiant steed, riding into sunset with prince charming. Not tight leather and pericings, being hoisted onto a harley and speeding off down the street to the bar with some guy who will wear his first, second and third girlfriends names on his arm untill he dies. What has become of childhood I ask you, what has become of it...harley or horse, you choose.

Weirded Out

One day a number of years ago, I was in the mall with my cousin doing christmas shopping. We're in some store and there's a guy working there. Rather fowl mouthed, and dispite his christian t-shirt and bracelet, he percedes to show us all the dirty shirst they have...calling them funny. I akwardly look away, trying not to create too much tention. Typical shopping experiance, but as a leave the store, I have this feeling in my spirit like Im not done with him yet. As if God was saying" No, you are not done with him yet." ( and no, this is not an "I like this guy I keep seeing." I would write the same for a girl) Not right then, but I was sure I would encounter him in the future. No kidding, the next night I saw him at a church service. Then maybe a year later at the a street church thing. Then later at a concert. Maybe a few other times too. Today, I saw him again. This time, today, at my school. I belive he is going to PLBC, I saw him talking to the secreary at the college office. ....I'm really weirded out. What is he doing here? Am I paranoid? Is this all coincidance? I don't even remamber his name. The few times I did talk to him, I didn't particularily like him. So weirded out...you have no idea.

IN, not through

So, if you read my last entry, you'll wonder how this happened. If you didn't...you can so that you understand, or you can not, and think that I am a pleasant girl.... here goes nothing...

From my back corner of the room, I can see almost everything. From the teachers whom I've come to love and call friends, to my classmates who are like family to me. I mean, really, I don't go to school with acquaintances, I go to school with people whom I have come to know by not just name but by preferences, favorite movies, laughs we have shared, inside jokes....Everything. These walls I have so long despised have become a comfort to me. A place I know as refuge. A place in which I have experience the finer things of life. These walls have become, dare I say...home to me. I know I can step into class and have a good laugh, a real good laugh. I can sit back and enjoy just being there. Yes- it is school. Yes I have to do work, but something I've realized is that when you can have fun in a "business" type setting, you know that you are among friends. I've heard it said that you don't know what you have until it's gone. I have, for the last 12 years of my life, counted down to this year. I have longed to get out of this place that I've been in. I can't wait to be all "growed up" But now, though I do look forward to graduating, I am, in my heart, at a stand still. I have a great school. I have a great life. I know people who I I really think are gifts from God. I appreciate them so much, and I can't dare to think that I would spend these last few months wasting this time. Wishing I was out. Counting down days rather than cherishing them. I don't know if you can see my heart in this. I hope you can. To make this truly honest, a tear just rolled down my cheek. I feel blessed. Truly blessed. I don't want to wish this season away. I don't want to waste these precious moments. I have it good where I am. Real good. If nothing else, you have realized that yes, Jen really is a softy. But if I portrayed my insides the way I wanted to, you're analyzing your life. Thinking about the things you have taken for granted, the people you know and that places you're at. The season of you life that God has places you in, not to count down to the next season, living simply through seasons but to live IN this one.
cheers,
and please don't hold my softness against me, I am not this way all the time...

all good things come to an end...

It is with great grief in my heart that I write this... I have enjoyed these past two weeks, the freedom of the "un sceduled" life. Where nothing mattered. Bed was but I place I went when I was tired, not a place I went cause the clock said so.... oh I don't know how I'll manage...it's been good, but I suppose all good things come to an end. Not very optmistic, but thats life. I don't know, it just that life with out the "i go to high school in the morning" seems to sounded better in my head. (here I go preaching at myself again) Im reminded of Ester, in the bible...For such a time as this....this...here now in highschool, though I wish to leave these four walls...oh how I wish....I think they hold me back...but I was ment to be here...and now ....We sing " I wanna be a history maker in this land" THIS land speaks of here and now... THIS time ...THIS season. if only THIS season seemed more appealing...

hold your tounge

Never ask for somthing that you arn't ready for. I've been asking the Lord to do stuff in me. Make me into the person that He wants me to be. Those kind of upgrades don't acctually come free. They cost..oh do they cost...I'm having one of those days. You know the kind. The kind in which it feels like every ounce of patience you have is being tested. You have little if any left. Oh my tounge hurts from being bitten. So finally my family goes out. Oh my heart jumped. Time to myself. I could only have dreamed of this. Things were looking up. If all you're dealing w/ is yourself, patience comes all to easy. Then the door bell rang.----(long pause I made before moving towards the door) You have GOT to be kidding me. "All too soon" i spoke out loud...all too soon.. i expect to see my mom, getting somthing she needed but forgot. No it's not, it's my brother, home from a friends. My glass ball of freedom has been shattered right after if was given as a gift... Can't the world just leave me alone??? Can't I have some quite??? I'm glad you can't see the annoyance on my face...hostility...breath in breath out ...in ...out ...in ..out. I can't so this much longer...I'll look up. help me. show me reason. It's not like my world has fallen apart. Nothing drastic happened to me today. Just don't touch me, or come near me....20 feet may be safe...I don't know.You know what? I'm not going to do this anymore. I am going to try...no ...screw trying. Im gonna stop this childishness. I choose to be joyful...and aproachable. Being impatient is not fun. I don't feel nice on the inside. Why am I telling you all this?? Oh I don't know . Do they make bandades for your tounge?

beaten senseless

So I'm at superstore today, ( i was ther far too long, but thats another story in and of itself) I there, and I glance over at the sea food section to see somthing that I was quite ...well i was taken back by the whole happening. There's the fish in the tanks right? So I won't go all " they can't survive in there" stuff that i could get into, cause they can't survive in my stomache after I eat them either...so there goes that argument... But when you buy them...the little fish man behind the counter scoops up little Flipper (thats what I named the fish I saw) (course I really named him right now for sakeof my story...added effect you know) and he takes this orange thing and beats the fish till it stops moving. Can you belivev that ? I mean, forget parana Dora from the amazon, this fish murder's the real deal...like a grim reaper of fish. So once they finnish knocking the fish around till it dies, they happily hand it over to the customer. Dead. In a bag. beaten senseless. Gone to littel fishie heaven... I suppose it's for the best. can you imagine if they didn't kill the fish before hand? I mean how'd you like to have this on your tomb stone " There was no 'batter' father than Flipper Fishton...." or some other joke about lying in peaces of fish sticks instead of in peace......I know, im not really that funny....anyways, I hope no one I knew saw me watch them murder Flipper, my face must have been a sight to see in itself...

christmas shopping comentary

So I went Christmas shopping again today. Grrr. I can't stand that sport. Everyone at the mall is always ticked off, even the depressed looking sally ann person with that bell. Are't they supposed to be joyful?? The clerks are jerks, and im sure it not just cause that rymes so well.. I hate christmas shopping. In case you're wondering, I do see the irony in this, im not the village idot.. It's worse when you can't find what you're looking for, or even worse when you don't know what you're looking for. Then, you can even get the stressed worker to help you find it, cause you don't know what IT is. It's funny. I can find lots of things for me...but some how I think that misses the point. Then we come across the "cheep" problem. (I'd blame it on being dutch, but I'm not....) It's like this, you are too cheep to get somthing for someone that they'll actually like, i mean somthing worthwhile, yet to get somthing that was reasonably priced , they wont like it. It's generally novelty anways. Chocolates? Anyone likes chocolates, but they hate to get them ,cause they think they're fat. Chocolates don't make you fat. If they did, then willy wonka would look like agustus gloop, then again, i suppose that gloop kid looked like that for a reason...chocolate? So by giving chocolates, what are you saying? You're fat, here it doesnt matter if you eat these? or how bout ..I can't think of anything creative , so here, have these. I dunno. I bought someone chocolates today. It feels like christmas shoppers writing block. Nothing to say, but the papers due so you make it up. Or how about those blasted relatives that you only see at christmas, what of them ? The present to them is more like your once a year aknowlegment of theire existance and is always generic and sterotypical. Oh what christmas shopping does to my creativity's ego. It hurts I tell you, hurts....

a little more effort please

"Great job up there!!" I was in the childrens christmas production today, and though the crowd loved my performance, I felt unworthy of even one compliment. For something that matters, one puts in a lot. For somthing that doesn't, not so much. I put in a not so much effort for this play, therfore, I couldn't accept any praise. You know, Im comming to relize that if anything is going to count, I have to belive that it counts, you know? It's not like suff happens on its own. I know, I'm not making any sence, it's late... But no, really, when you belive in the general beauty of somthing, belive in the fact theat it has a purpose, that it is a "stepping stone" dare I say, then and only then do those things count. I intended on writing about something quite diverse than yesterdays, but I guess this is just what's on my mind. I can't stand the fact that I so often allow myself to put in half jobs. When you do that, you have nothing to be proud of, you are simply a wimp, kind of like how I felt today when people commented on my acting "skills" -if I can even say that now- I didnt put anything into that. i have more in me. I wanted to tell the people that I can do better, Oh! watch, I 'll do better, but by then, it's too late. Too late to make up for what he didn't put in in the first place. When an artist paints, he paints with all he has, and presents the finnished product. Complete. Done. C'est fini. He doen't wait, see the poeples reaction and then say, oh wait I can do better. No, he does it all the first time. Rambling, I know, but you'll get used to it. I want to be one who does things to perfection. thats hard for me to say, for I am, regretfully, sometimes a slacker. Aren't we all from time to time? Be one who can say, why yes, I worked hard toward that. Not that you did it in your srength anyway, but that is a whole other topic, and boy, it is getting late...

Stepping Stones

So, life goes on as I knew it would,but in and amongst all the holiday mess and confusion, I was left to sit and reflect. What am I doing this for? Not anything festive or anything specific thing at all for that matter, but what am I doing, why am i here? are these too big of questions to ask oneself? The things I do now, of what significance are they to my future? I do lots, does any of it matter? "Why yes, yes it does.." my concience reminds me in an "as matter of fact" kind of way. I mean, I do alot of things. I enjoy so many of the arts, from production and lighting to Painting and sculpting. what does this all mean? what are these in my life? Stepping stones. Thats what they are . Stepping stones. You see, after the first foundation of Christ, all I do is building apon that. I need to learn to rest in that, you know? Knowing that the things I have desires for, the things I enjoy, I enjoy them for a reason....God has a purpose for that. Its all building on the foundation of Him. They say that Rome wasn't buit in a day. I had the opportunity to go to Rome this year, but I turned it down...money doesn't grow on trees you know. The main reason that I wanted to go, apart from the fact that IT'S ROME!! was the saying "rome wasn't built in a day". Rightly so, I wouldn't expect it to have been build in one day . But I want to see this thing that has such a reptation for taking a long time. Why? you ask, well I am not being built in one day. Im on a journey, I have things to do each day that are building toward somthing greater...bigger... and larger than life. So what did I do today? I built with stones that led to destiny. How was your day?