unwritten proverb

An independent spirit, tamed, is a blessing. An independent spirit, untamed, is demonstrative & destructive. Nothing good can come from it.

....a little easier said than done.

Isaiah 61

I'd had this thought, like that this year is meant to be a year of healing. At first I thought it was just for me.... (it's amazing the kind of stuff that freedom sessions will bring up.) But as I keep going, and listening, and hearing what other people are talking about.... I think that this is, like most things, a lot bigger than me. I also think that this wont be the only entry I make on the topic.

See vs 1 and 2

1 THE SPIRIT of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed and qualified me to preach the Gospel of good tidings to the meek, the poor, and afflicted; He has sent me to bind up and heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the [physical and spiritual] captives and the opening of the prison and of the eyes to those who are bound

2 To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord [the year of His favor] and the day of vengeance of our God....

Todays focus: to firstly proclaim the year of His favor. This is the year we will see His favor poured out on His people. Secondly: to proclaim the day of His vengeance. This is the year that we will see the vengeance of God poured out on those who deserve vengeance.

I'm really excited about the redemptive nature that I know my Father has. As Is 61 goes on, it describes more about the way God's economy works. Beauty for ashes. Joy instead of mourning. Praise instead of heaviness. My God is into restoration. My God is into healing.

Todays homework (whether you do it or not... I'll get you later anyways) but read through Is 61. Ask God if there is a verse that applies to what He wants to do in your life. You be surprised at the healing He wants to bring, if we'd just let Him...

until next time...

136

It's 136 days till I get to go back to Fiji. I started a new journal today. One that I specifically bought for the trip, and the months leading up to it. It's taken me a while to get around to writing in it. Partially cause I think I've been dealing with a lots of my own stuff right now. Its hard to start new journeys while still sorting through the old ones- but I'm getting there.

I closed my eyes and pictured myself there. Sometimes I think it's the only thing that keeps me going in the day to day of ministry here. I've tried, desperately, to love my "here".. and I do... yet... still this longing.. but all that's ok. I get to now, live in the balance. I love 'this', and I'll love 'that'. And 'that' is in only 136 days.

I'm really excited about bringing people along on the journey. Every few days I get to talk to someone who is coming, or is thinking of coming along. I feel silly because each conversation I have gets me all giddy and smiley and stuff. I feel kind of silly, but then again... I don't care at all.

anything can bring me back there. A short video clip, a song, a picture, even a passing memory. I've been waiting a long time for this... over a year and a half to be exact. but soon... soon it will be time. and i look forward to it.

Sabbath

There's something that I'm learning this Christmas. I stopped working, at least during the holidays. I haven't written any sermons, taken notes or planned youth events. I haven't prepared calendars or met with youth for coffee. I haven't really done much of anything. I've spent time reading, and writing, and watching movies. I've drank lots of coffee, and ate lots of christmas foods. I've played piano and I've thought allot. You know what I've accomplished? Nothing. And you know what I like about that? Everything.

I'm learning a bit about rest. A bit about sabbath. A bit about how my striving doesn't make God any more sovereign or mighty or able to save than He was before. About how me trying to control and run everything really will get me nowhere, and fast. Well, it may get me somewhere. To an early grave. It may get me burnt out and good for nothing. I could loose my saltiness, and be good for nothing, but to be trampled on underfoot. But frankly, I like being salty. I think I'm better that way.

I think we need to learn to protect ourselves. Take care of ourself. Learn to fill ourselves up so that we are refreshed and ready to give out. I think sometime in church circles we strive on giving giving giving. We quote "freely you have received, now freely give." Give, give, give. Give of what? of what we receive. But where are you receiving? You who are in ministry, when are you filling up, so you have something to give out? I risk sounding selfish, I know. But I don't care. I see people all around me who don't know how to rest. (myself being one of them, and I'm learning. Slowly. But I am)

The 10 Commandments is quoted twice in the OT. Both have a slight variation that unless you were looking for it, you may not see.

In Exodus, we are reminded, as the 8th commandment, to observe the sabbath. It is reminded to us that God did all that work in 6 days, and then rested.

In Deuteronomy we are reminded that we were slaves in Egypt, and that with His mighty Hand and His outstretched arm, the Lord has redeemed us from slavery. We are no longer slaves. Yet we slave away. Driven, always. Neglecting rest, often. Feeling guilty when we try to slow down. As if by striving, God would be more powerful and would move more on our behalf. I am chained, often to that striving. I am often it's slave. I need to learn to observe the Sabbath.

...viti....

I just called my friend Pastor Salen in Fiji. I wanted to tell him that I got ordained. He nearly shouted in joy. It was so wonderful to hear his voice again. He was standing by the ocean, looking at Voro Voro where the team went swimming once. I wish I could see it in more than my minds eye. I miss it there. I miss Labasa. I got an email from him a few days ago. Things are going well there. Mangoes are in season. I'm jealous.

Then I read up on the Millars in Fiji and how they are doing.

I feel so... jealous. and so alone at the same time. I wish I was there. I wish I could go.

The grant did not go through. Again. But we are going to reapply. Either way, on May 24th, I am leaving for FIJI. I try to pretend like it's not happening so I can live happily in each day... but I long for it. I dont' know why. I can't explain it. I try to play like I dont care... but I wish this season would end so that season could start. There is so much paper work this side. So much stress. So much busy. I'm so done. and I'm so jealous.

the gate and the promise

I believe that God is ready to move, I believe He would say that "I am coming quickly, I am about to do a new thing, you cannot contain it."

Prophetic people desire understanding. We like to know about a move of God before the move happens. We enjoy being able to say "Praise the Lord!" and then add, "I knew that was going to happen"

I feel like what is happening now is that God's promise is coming, and the role of the prophet not to understand this one, but to warn the people of the gate. The gate is this word: "I am coming quickly, I am about to do a new thing, you cannot contain it." This is simply the gate to open the promise land of what God wants to do. I believe when we know about this gate and open our hearts to it, it will swing wide the gate itself, and the true promise will flow forth. First the correct position needs to be assumed. We need to be on our knees with arms open wide saying "whatever you want, Lord. We just want your presence!"

We need to be OK to not understand what is coming. We need to stop building structures for the the presence of God to dwell in. When Jesus died and tore the veil, God was saying "I don't want to live inside these four walls anymore!" We cannot contain what is coming. We cannot assume that it is our job to prepare something for this move of God to be accepted by the people, or to be fitting with our busy schedules, or to work on our terms of any sort. I would love to see us stop worshiping the structures of the church, and start worshiping the One who chose not to live in the four walls of any temple, but in the deep places of the hearts of man. When we come together, may it not be a pat on the back-"you can get through this next week"- time. May we assume the correct position. "Whatever you want Lord. We just want your presence!"

do you get it yet?

Part of me wants to reach right down inside you and fix you. Part of me wants to scream at you until you get it. THERE IS MORE. More than what you know, more than what you see and definitely more than what you reach for. Sometimes I see a glimpse. A glimpse of hope. A small change, an opening up of who you are, and could be if you were to pursue those things. Then, as usual, something else comes along and smashes is down. Sometimes it feels like a punch in the gut. Other times, like an aching feeling in my heart.

I know that change, good change anyhow, comes over time. I know that. But it's just these dashed glimmers of hope, that maybe maybe you're alright. Maybe you're changing. Maybe what God has planned for you and what I see could be, maybe it's coming out.

I know there is more for you. I just wish you could see it. I just wish you knew.

I kinda makes you wonder what the heart of our loving Father feels like. How He must yearn and ache for us to "get it". wow...

Solitude

Solitude is the furnace of transformation rather than an escape from busyness. Times of solitude develop sensitivity to God and allow us to savour intimate moments, to let them fill us and satisfy us.
-Lorie Martin, Author of Invited

is it time?

As I typed out the last paragraphs of the grant application, a flood of emotions came over me. Not one emotion. Not even two. To be honest, I don't even know what to think.

Fiji is not just some place on a map. It's not just a bunch of islands, and some people. Along time ago, I began asking the Lord what He wanted from me. What should I do for Him? What can I give Him?

Night after night I'd ask, and night after night I'd get the same answer. "I just want your heart"

I was confused. I thought I had done that. I thought we we're squared up- yet the same response again and again caused me to question, "What does He mean?" When we went to Fiji the first time, I had asked, no, even told God: "Give me your heart for these people. Don't send me if you can't give me your heart." As I sat one day, in a few moments of stolen solitude, overlooking the south pacific ocean from a bamboo bench, I felt something. I think in that moment God put missions in my heart. Before then, I didn't like missions much. I was convinced that I was not called to missions. But there, on that trip, something changed. I fell in love with fiji. The people, the culture, the land. God put it in my heart, because it's in His- and now, more than two years later from that afternoon on the bench, my heart still yearns to be with the people of Fiji.

It's been hard. This thing thats so in my heart, I feel I've had to die to time and time again. It's not time, it's not time, it's not time. I wish some times that I could just go. I wish I could leave this. All this stress. All this technology. All this administrative stuff. All this waste. Something in me wants to run away to the simpler pace of life that is Fiji. But it's not time. I remember the feeling I had when it was time to leave after my one and a half month trip, about this time last year. I felt sick to my stomach entering the airport. So .... big. So commercial. I had just come from the village. I wanted to stay. The contrast was too much.

I didn't know what I was going back to. Life took a slow time getting started once I came home. Eventually I found my footing, just in time to enter in to a dark season of the soul. God was doing some inner purging. Meanwhile on the top, youth continued at full speed and in the new year, became a source of actual (part time) income. I fell in love again with youth ministry. Which took time, because often I think of Fiji. Often I wish it were time. Often I dream. Often.

So now this grant comes up. A second time. The first time got my hopes up and dashed them. So this time, I walk on eggshells. I love what I do. Youth. Soon to be Mexico and Chapel. I love it all. I love ministry. I love the people here,.. but what about... what about there? is there something there for me? am i done there? Is it a not now? or a not never? What if this grant goes through? what about youth? what about solo? what about maca? what about? The reality of what this grant going through to me, is so much bigger than steve or those guys think. to me, this is life. Something like this grant could be the start of what I think I was made for. But all I need to know.. .is... is it time?

clean

I think i've tries tried to read through the Bible probably a dozen or so times before. I think I've probably stopped once i got to Leviticus. this time I'm determined to make it through. it all seems so meaningless... or is it?

There was such care and strategy placed on the Presence of God. Such holy reverence. A true and serious respect. Step by step, everything.. EVERYTHING was done right. Done exactly as the Lord asked. Done exactly how He wanted it.

Everything and everyone was so clean, so pure and so serious about the altar and the holy of holies. According to Jewish tradition, the priest had bells on the bottom of His robe, and a rope around his ankle. If the bells stopped ringing, it was assumed he had died in the presence of a most holy God, and the would pull him out by the rope.

Though I am eternally grateful that Jesus was the final sin offering, and that I can come boldly to the throne, sure of His glad welcome, I regret the way Christ followers today have forsaken the reverence and awe that Holy One of Israel demands.

I'm surprised at His mercy and patience with us. Time and time again, we defile His presence. We have forgotten the gravity of entering in. Grace says "Come in, the curtain was torn!" and I agree full heartedly. Yet, are we not to revere the Lord? Fear Him for He is holy? Consecrate ourselves that He may come? Jesus came not to abolish the law, but to fulfill it. Yet in the name of "grace" have we not disregarded the all that He wrote in the earlier parts of His Holy Book?

If we are to see the fullness's of His presence, if we are to receive all the He has for us, if we are to truly enter into the fullness of His grace, can I convey from my heart my deepest desire? Lord, would we not grieve Your Holy Spirit. Would we revere Your presence. There is more of You that we have not seen. I'm looking forward to the day when we cannot stand in the chapel, for our knees fall weak before You. I'm looking forward to the day when you come in power and overtake our services, our meetings, our worship times. Not only at church, please Lord. Please- overtake our homes, our families, our jobs. Our day to day. Holy spirit, forgive us. Forgive us. Forgive us.

"Who may ascend the hill of the Lord? Who may stand in His holy place? He who has clean hands and a pure heart. Who has not lifted us his soul to an idol, nor sworn deceitfully... such is the generation of those who seek You, who seek your face, O God of Jacob...." Psalm 24:3,4,6

dancing in the fields.

There is this something inside of me that wants to have all my ducks in a row. I want to have everything under control. I want to know what we are doing, where we are going, and what I need to do to get us there. That is the role of an administrative type person.

But I've been thinking. I think God likes wildflowers.

Untamed, natural beauty. Grown not because it was in a green house, or in precise little rows. These small colorful beauties grow just because He wants them too. They grow where He wants them to, and how He wants them to.

I want to live a lot less like petunias and a lot more like fireweed. I want ministry too look a lot more like a lush meadow with tall grass painted with flowers of purple and white, and a lot less like an institution.

Maybe I don't need to have all my ducks in a row to find success in what He's doing. Maybe all I need to do is continue to water the things that He's already planted. Maybe then I'd spend a lot less time worrying and a lot more time dancing in the fields with the One who made the fields...

my altar

So I'm reading through the Bible in 90 days. Or at least trying to. It's not going so well yet, but it IS going, so... I'll stick with that. I'm hoping to catch up on my 20 hr ride to nowhere tomorrow. Don't know if I actually will, but it's a nice thought.

Pushing through Genesis caused me to see something. Altars.

It was so common for people to build an altar to remember the good God had done. We live in a fast paced society. We are a fast paced people. We rarely stop to breath, let alone remember. Even in our spiritual lives we run from one thing to the next. Always on the go, always heading forward- and fast. Never looking back.

I like the past. I like the things I've seen God do. I look back and say, "look at the pit from which I was hewn!" Look at where I was heading. Look at how good He has been to me! Look at that He's done! I kept reading, about the people and their altars, and how they'd remember and thankfulness rose up inside of me.

I'm so thankful for where he has taken me. I'm so thankful for all He has done with the youth, and at classic. I'm so thankful that He opens door for me, like Mexico. I'm so thankful that I was born here, that I have the parents I do, and the family and church family that I do. I'm so thankful that I'm supported and loved. I'm so thankful for the opportunities He's given me and the life I get to live. What a privilege. THank you Lord!

In running to "the next thing" and the "fresh revelation" and all those good things, may I never stop giving thanks, and may I always remember all that you have done. You are so faithful. Thank you.

CLASSIC 2010 "note"

.....What's that? ....its quiet.

I havn't heard much quiet these past few days....

I... I seem to be lost for words. another rarity.

Classic is over. Four days with 27 junior highers in the bush is done. It was, by far, the best classic yet. God is so faithful. Leading up to classic (or any big event really) I come under a lot of attack. A lot. Tons of doubt floods my mind and I consider throwing in the towel. time & time again. I know the truth that the greater the attack, the greater the breakthrough, but sometimes i wish it could be easier.

I saw kids hear Gods voice for the first time. I saw others get reunited with a heavenly Father who has been waiting to talk to them. I saw kids prophecy over each other. I saw kids encounter the undeniable presence of God for the first time. Get filled with the holy spirit for the first time, speak in tongues for the first time. With tears streaming down many faces, I saw kids get reignited and refilled. Stirred with fresh passion.

I saw the faithfulness of God to bring about the things that you've yearned for. Long for. Prayed for. Cried over and ached for. I saw Him come through.

I saw my heart reconnect with a place and a people that I have, at times despised. I long for distant shores, and it's hard to stay home. It's hard to keep plowing and planting when the soil is so hard here. It's hard ground, and there is often little fruit.

I saw good fruit this week. I'm so pleased. I got home and lay on my bed for moment with this joy in my heart as a Voice in my spirit spoke so clearly : "You conquered! you conquered!" I feel like God is smiling on me. I feel Him say "Well done, good and faithful servant" I think I needed to conquer, to override some feelings of defeat.

I saw Him changing me. I feel different now. I can't put my finger on it, but it's something. Something good.

I want to say that Classic is over, but .... I have a feeling that it's really only just begun.

( i guess i found my words... ) :0 Until next time

Jen

...

it's funny how a few words can bring you back to memories you tired to forget. It's funny how a picture can bring back emotions you thought you left behind. I still have a soft heart toward you. it's funny, another word for alone is...well...you know the rest.

I HAVE A GOAL

I have a goal to be the most organized for this classic than I have EVER been before. I have a goal to surprise myself and get'er done way before , so that ... the week of and the days of i am not stressed. that is my goal. a stress free classic. i dont know if thats even possible... but.... here's hoping.

i've got good family

i've got good family. good good family. im not so much talking about my blood related family, though they're good too. im talking about the 30 minute calls from grandma ruth, and the random coffees with kate because she was thinking and praying about me. im talking about the kind words in the office when i needed a little encouragement but didn't have the courage to ask. im talking about my family. the people who seemed to be able to read what im not saying, and communicate what i need but fail to request. sometimes i don't like how we do things here. but i do like who we do them with. i've got good family.

somewhere over the rainbow

sometimes i think about the fact that you are somewhere, doing something, and i dont even know it. you have some job i dont know about, and drive some car that i've never seen. maybe you go to some church that i've never been to and have some friends that i've never met and laugh at some jokes i've never heard. all i do know is that you are. somewhere, you are. and every day of not knowing brings me one day closer to knowing. and thats what gets me by. that one day you'll be at some job that i know about, and have friends that im friends with and laugh at things that i get. but probably we'll still drive my car. im just saying....

im in quarantine

I'm 22. I've lived in this house all my life. about 3 years ago we got new neighbors. It took them 2 years to realize that I lived in this house too. I "live" here, but really, what that means is that my stuff is here and I sleep here. Sometimes, if im lucky. I eat here. I try to anyways, cause it's cheeper that way. I'm not really at home that often. but>> For the next week, I will be at home. I will not go out. I will not see ppl. I will be here. In my house. Here's why.

I think im in love....

Just me and you and the open road.

here's hoping....

Probably that one.

COMPENSATION

in other news.... because of the previously stated "release" on my finances.... I think I shall buy myself a car. Yes, yes I shall. That makes me feel better already :P

tomorrow is a new day...

What's next? The closing of the door means the opening of a new one. When I was younger, I remember saying to myself that my greatest fear would be waking up every day doing something that was not in the will of God. Next is whatever is in your will.

Is is done? Nope. I don't think so. My hopes got a little crushed. I cried a few tears, but I'm ok. I have a lot of questions. Ones that, in due time, I think He will answer.

I love Fiji. I can't get it out of my heart. God put it there. We will meet again. My face will feel your sun, and my feet will walk your shores. I will love your people, eat your food and speak your language. You are so precious to me. The memories I have of you are so fond, and I cherish them. They play over in my mind, sort of like an old film at a family get together, where we laugh again at the things that made us laugh once, cry again with the things that broke our hearts once, and rejoice again with the things that made us rejoice once. I rejoice over you, Fiji.

Thank You for tomorrow. And thank You for when the time will come. I don't understand the delay, but I will trust in You.

"Just shut up, will you?"

I find it so easy to get wrapped up in "what I do" It's so easy to let JH become my life. Become who I am. Become my identity. Ministry should never be the essence of who we are, only a reflection of who we are. You'll tell it by the fruit. I think I'm on a journey of sorts. Rediscovering who I am in Christ, once all the facade of ministry is gone. Even worship is easy to hide behind when you don't want to deal with what's really going on inside. How many times have I missed it? How many times have I sang just loud enough to drown out my own thoughts, and any possibility of hearing His voice. "Shhhhh" is what I hear the Father saying. Or perhaps in a less correct sort of way... "Just shut up, will you?"

and so I think I enter... the quiet season. A season of redefining identify. A season of new revelation. Fresh bread and new wine. A still season, without much stirring. I'm not sure as I know what all that means, but I have a feeling I'm about to find out.

nigahiga on youtube...

i can't figure out what is worse. people who vlog or people who follow people who vlog..... who is the bigger waster of time.... ??

about a boy

Some words I was reminded of this morning...

"I don't wanna miss out on the promises of God because I was impatient. I believe in the process of God. I have to. Cause somedays, I get lonely and I wish that he, whoever he is- was here. But I am believing for great things from my Father, who has bigger things than I can even imagine... I'm excited about the process."
-TFS Girls Workshop 2009

This is me, being honest.

You know, sometimes I wanna quit. ok, more than sometimes. Often. Often I want to quit. Often I want to throw in the towel, call it a day and go home. Often I want to give up. More than often. Almost daily.

Every week goes the same. The days coming up to wednesday consist of me wondering what in the world I should do. Almost frantically, I prepare what little I feel I know, and then wednesday comes. I wake up. I stay in bed a little longer than I should, wondering if I didn't get out, would any notice? of course they would, and I'd be in trouble for it. i don't really have an option.

So I get up. Again. And like every week before that, I wonder why I do this? Why I put myself through it all. Why. Why. Why shouldn't I leave? It's this all worth it? No one ever said that carrying vision would be easy. I've never been promised that. I know what He's called me to do, but what was once conviction is taking some convincing.

Then I put my plan into action, the one I made up frantically in the past few days, and hours leading up to this. The kids come in. It's go time. Not performace time, but pour out time. Time to give it all we got, even though sometimes I don't feel like I got all that much to give, and thats when it happens. A kid tells me something important.They let go and raise their hands when they sing. Holy Spirit whispers a word to give to one of them in worship. I see them understanding the Word more. I hold a broken kid as they cry. They come up to me after and ask me to pray for them for something. Whatever it is, I get lost in it and somewhere inbetween the caos of it all I forget. I forget that only hours before I contemplated walking out. Giving up. Finding a "real job". I forget and my heart turns soft and I love what I do. Every week, on wednesdays about 9:00, I smile. I think, "I am where I am supposed to be. This, for now, is right."

Then I go home to sleep. I sleep well those nights. Rested and satisfied. But then I wake up and it's thursday-and already I think - "shoot... it's almost Wednesday!" and we start all over again.

Byran

When he talked, his eyes smiled. He was nothing that I thought he'd be. I thought he would be socially awkward because he'd been living in the mountain bush for more than 15 years. I thought at least he would have had poor conversational skills. He looked young, and spoke like he knew allot. He did know allot. He told us of his guinea pigs they are raising in the house they built, and about the rabbit they rescued from life sentence in a demeaningly small cage. Once, about a year ago, september he encountered a cougar. He said that because he had seen the cougar before the cougar had seen him, that he had the upper hand. I thought that sounded heroic, to have the upper hand on a cougar. Byran taught me that with a cat, it's all about the stare down. If you look away first, it either means that you are submitting or that you are weak. Byran told me that he won the stare down, which made him seem heroic. After that I wasn't sure if I should look him in the eye when he talked to me, or not.

the set up

i shouldn't post this kind of stuff....

My life is CSI

I made this vlog a while back and forgot to post it. now i did. there.

Spring

fruition: this is the coming season. a season of fruit. I have faith for it.

fruition:
–noun
1. attainment of anything desired; realization; accomplishment: After years of hard work she finally brought her idea to full fruition.
2. enjoyment, as of something attained or realized.
3. state of bearing fruit.

a short story.

I started this story a long time ago, and was never satisfied with the ending. anyways. i think i hashed it out and got what i was going for.... so...

Once Upon a Time...

Even the sweetest song ever written or ever heard could not compare to the song that played over and over again in her heart. A simple tune that only the wind knew the words to and yet with every graceful step she took, the melody seemed to leak out. The glisten in her eye and the warmth of her smile told of her beauty. Words were never needed to know that this one was no ordinary girl. This one was particularity special and I believe He was especially fond of her.

Outdoors were a sanctuary of sorts for her. Ever changing and ever telling a new story with new growth and new sights. She found such joy in the simple things. She seemed to see Him there. In a flower or in a leaf, in a rainstorm or the thunder. Anything worthy of awe or wonder sent her heart leaping towards Him. She came closest to Him outside, where life, growing life, untainted by human hands gave a place for worship. No bells or whistles, just beauty in the things He made. These were the things she found joy in. It's where she found Him.

Warmth seemed to enter into her when she was there. A certain sense, or a knowing that He was near. Soon, she began to whisper to Him, in the beauty of His handiwork. Gently, she would tell of how she adored Him. How she adored the warmth she felt inside when there, in her untainted sanctuary. Slowly, her whisper grew to a soft voice, which grew to something slightly stronger until one day, she found herself laughing with Him in the garden.

"I'll never leave you, you know." He spoke tenderly in her ear. She didn't respond. She just sat there wide eyed, lost in His gaze. Her heart so full of love, she couldn't find the words. He felt the need to repeat Himself. "Never. I will never leave you" Still she sat there in silence. His strong hand made its ways to her shoulder. "I will never leave you." She nodded and smiled sweetly, not thinking much of the sincerity in his voice.

Spring would change to summer, and summers greens turned to autumns auburns and yellows. She loved all the colors. It was her first time experiencing fall. But then something strange happened. The leaves began to fall and as they did she felt it in her heart. It hurt. Like something inside her was falling to the ground as well. All the green faded from it. Only autumn were colors left now. All the life of spring and summers lush greens was gone.

She still felt Him there. His embrace was full of warmth. Their walks were what made her day seem worth living. He was all she had. Yet the cold weather seemed to bring a chill to her bones, and slowly, a numbness to her heart. His embrace became less warm, and His voice that used to dance around her seemed carried off by the wind.

Still she would go there. She'd gaze at the barren trees and think about the life that used to hang from it's branches. Softly she would whisper under her breath, "where is all the life? how come it's so empty here?" and her heart would sink a little lower in her chest. She wandered almost aimlessly around the garden. "Why is it so empty here?" she questioned again. She reached up and gabbed a branch from a tree. It was brittle and hard. She broke it in two leaving it on the ground. Her whisper grew a little louder as she questioned once more. " Why is it so empty here!?" Angrily she kicked a pile of leaves that sat near by. Tears began to well in her eyes. She looked up as if to yell at the wind. "Where did You go??"

Silence followed her question as the tears freely flowed, and the sobbing seemed to come naturally. She sat there, in a pile of leaves, dreading the cold, and dreading the emptiness she felt there. She wanted it back. She wanted the warmth. She wanted the laughter. She wanted the embrace, yet this vast emptiness in her consumed her as if there was no way out. As if tomorrow would never come, and today would be winter forever.

She could feel the hurt like anger in her throat, as if a fist was stuck there. The wind began to pick up, pushing hard against her tired cold body. Slowly she rose to her feet. Defeated once again, she began her journey home. As she walked, the wind seemed to circle around her, and as it did, she was reminded of the kind words He once had spoken to her. "Never. I will never leave you." She shook her head, knowing it was just her imagination. "Never", came the thought again. She brushed it off again, but the thought came back over and over in her head. "Never, never, never."

The cold wind grew warmer and seemed to kiss her face. Through blurred vision, something caught her eye. A welcomed ray of light shone through the naked trees, casting light on the gardens floor. Her heart leapt. She saw there, in the grass, a single small white flower with a yellow brushed center.

Kneeling beside it, she softly ran her fingers over it's precious pedals. "I told you I would never leave you." The gentle voice brought with it a warmth that slowly filled her desolate heart. She opened her mouth to try to speak, yet felt hushed by the presence of Him who was with her. Inside, her emotions raged with questions of the abandonment, yet the peace that came with Him overwhelmed her.

Before she even uttered a word, He began to speak to these deep secrets of her heart. "I was here all along." He ushered her to walk with Him. They began to stroll in the garden. Plucking a fresh green leaf off a tree, He placed it in her hand. She clenched her fingers around it. "I thought all the leaves here were dead" As they continued walking, she began to notice more and more green life around her. Yet the question nagged. Where had He been?

Knowing her thoughts, He spoke gently to her tender heart. "I was here all along. You have been looking for me in the open. You have been looking at what is seen. I was here. I was deep inside preparing the trees to grow new leaves again. Readying the grass to become green once more and teaching the birds the new song of spring. I never left you, just like I promised."

"But I never felt you, where were you?" He smile an assuring smile and gently placed His strong hand on her chest. "I have been deep inside, working away at your heart. I have been preparing you to bear new fruit in this next season. I have been making you ready for spring, and have been protecting you from the harsh conditions of winter. I didn't leave. No, I have been closer in this season than any other. I know winter is hard, but it always comes before spring. Trial proceeds advancement. Pruning proceeds growth."

Understanding swept over her, and after a moment, the joyous feeling she had felt so many times slowly returned- yet this time it felt different, as if a deeper part of her heart was being touched. Tears ran gently down her face, but not tears of sorrow, these were tears of joy.

random thoughts about Christian book stores...

the christian bookstore frustrates me. it smells and feels like ....uptight. like religion. it looks like white doilies should be under everything. it has such an uncomfortable "perfection" feel.

I go in not knowing what i want. maybe that's my problem. maybe i need to know. i seem to get overwhelmed with all the books i haven't, but wish that i had read. can there really be that much to say that ppl write all these books? i dunno. oh and pet peeve. christian books with a big pic of the author on the front. for real? not a big fan.

anyways....

heart vs head

Im not exactly sure what happened, but somewhere between when I was young, and now - my Dad changed.

I'm going through a bunch of stuff right now. God's teaching me, and stripping me- and though it's good, it's not necessarily the greatest time. We are transitioning from head to heart. I think that i think too much. I've got alot of stuff going on in my head. Details, logistics, constraint. All the Father is asking for is for heart. I see this modeled clearly in my dad. He's got no need for head. and I say that not in a demeaning way. He runs no ministry, speaks no lectures, directs no groups. He has no followers, no flock to feed. It's just him. Well, him and Jesus. And he's all heart.

His mornings start bible reading. It has for a few years now. From time to time, God would being to give him words. So he'd write it down, always with the response "this is so cool" knowing he could never write something like that. English was not his strong point in school, by any means. Writing did not come naturally to my dad. Yet time and time again, as he met faithfully with the Father, words continue to pour from the throne room on to the pages before him. Now pages are filled daily.

As I lead my life, I run around like a chicken with it's head cut off. Often times, I run into him (usually while im trying to get something done), and often those times the Lord is working on him and he's got some sort of word that he wants to tell me about. I'm busy, you know. (too much head) . But when I take the time to sit and listen, out pours this honestly like you have never heard. Often times, these writing relate to me or one of my brothers in our childhood days. Often they're about his family life growing up, or some other memory of times gone past. And when he speaks, I learn. Not about the lessons he has is his words, though they are good. No, I learn about heart, cause my dad is all heart. Often times our chats are cut short as I see the lump in his throat and his attempt to hold back tears. So moved by the memories and the lessons the Lord is teaching him. He's not a prophet, but I have much to learn from him. So genuine. So much heart.

me and the duke

vlog episode 1

Autumns Hesitation

Fall came the other day. I knew it was here because the air was chilled and the rain poured down as I drove to work. Fall is such a gloomy time. It’s not really something that we ask for. Its more like something that we just find ourselves in, you know? It lends itself to responsibility and schedules; as apposed to summers’ care free long days, late nights spent strolling the pier, watching movies with friends, or conversing about life and ministry and anything that lands in-between. Fall is the essence of real life. We work because we need money. We need money because we need to live and have some sort of social life. We do ministry… I’d like to say that we do ministry because we love it, but sometimes I wonder if we don’t find some sense of belonging there. Like what we are doing with our lives actually counts for something, and me helping out or leading somehow makes me part of a bigger, majestic sized masterpiece. I’d love to be part of something majestic. Actually, I just like to be a part- of anything really.

Tomorrow

Tell me. when did we stop believing in people? When did circumstances, attitudes, events, behaviors, when did these thing cause me to give up hope? when did we stop believing in people? When did I start letting the present outweigh the sense of destiny in my spirit? That urgency that says tomorrow is coming, and it bring good things. "Keep doing what's right, My justice is on it's way, and My salvation is about to come" (see Is 56) The outsiders come into the House. The ones who thought they would never fit, they get to come in. I love that promise. The outsiders coming into the family. They become a part. That's the end of the story. Don't you love knowing the end? Cause sometimes the plot line along the way turns and confuses me. Sometimes circumstances, attitudes, events, behaviors... sometimes those things make me wanna stop believing. Sometimes the battle seems lost, and I don't want to fight at all. But I believe in people. And I believe in tomorrow. So i'll keep on believing.

words

there are somethings that can't be put into words. somethings that perhaps shouldn't be. there are people who speak who could push until a thousand words come out and still mean nothing. they are the kinda people who talk with their brain. That person who says much and his words become common, and common is worth very little.

then there are the kind of people who can say very little, and say it very simply and with that, they capture everything needed at that moment. those are the kinda people i love. they are the ones that talk with their heart. the wise man who will hold his tongue, and at the right moment, fire with such precision, that all who hear will admire and revere. His words are valued and desired. this is the man i love.

morning light

The sky looks beautiful this morning. So beautiful I couldn't leave this moment with out mention. The early sun is like brilliant amber, and it brushes the clouds with hard strong light. A kaleidoscope of birds flew over head, and i'm ever left in wonder of how they do it. time passed and the orange tones of morning turn to white shades of blue, and day went on... morning light

left without balance

i think im gonna try n start something new, not sure how long it will last, but it's a search for music. I can't find music. Not the kind i want anyways. but i think my criteria is a little...well..
here:
christian but not "la la"
good "victorious" lyrics, but not cheesy
more on the side of rock... heavy
but even now as i get into describing genre i loose interest. i just think that there must be music that i love, and i don't know it yet. Music always seems to be left without balance. When we get to heavy, we sound angry, and im not angry. but if we are not heavy, the music seems lame, and often, lyrics to fit the same category. anyways this week is being sponsored my: pillar & blindside, each leaving much to be desired.

THRILL OF YOUR LIFE

Perhaps there are things that should not transcend cultures....

Un themed love

Perhaps Christmas just isn't for people like me. I mean, I enjoy ...the finer things in life. I enjoy...well let's get straight to the point. I enjoy when things are decorated nicely. Coordinating colors, themes. You know, nice stuff. Yet Christmas comes and there this barrage of colors that are all so loud, it's like they're yelling at me. None of them get along, and, if you live in my house, none of them are from the same decade. Ornaments from years past seem to make it to our tree each year, and each year I contemplate breaking them by "accident" so we can get new ones. I've been putting up nicknacks on our windowsills and mantels. My mom calls them decorations. Again, it feels like a collage of stuff gathered from all ends of the earth. Different things I made in grade school are on the hearth hanging out with any random Christmas oriented gifts we've collected in years past. I suppose it's something about sentimental value. I'm putting up these decorations, few of which i like and something starts to happen as I look around, and it looks different than before. Tackier, yes, but more than that. It feels kinda warm. Like love had spilled over into those crafts, and thought had spilled over into those gifts. I try to shake the sentimental moment-- But it stayed. I kind still feel it now, as I look around at mismatched care and un-themed love. It feels kinda like warm, and kinda like home. Maybe, just maybe Christmas is for people like me after all.

to sir, without love

I hate time. I hate worshiping the clock, looking for it's approval, bowing down like some sort of idiot, unable to fend for myself. Unable to make my own decisions. I hate the feeling of rushed. I hate the feeling of timed. I hate time. I hate thinking about how long im taking, how much time i have left. I hate thinking about the next thing to do while still in the middle of this..... the sun rose this morning (after I did mind you) (the clock said it was time to get up) and it went down today too, just like i'll go to sleep. But i wish I could go to sleep now. but i have stuff to do. it's not time yet.

exerpts from donald miller

When you are a speaker and a writer, you aren't supposed to watch television. It's shallow. I felt guilty because for a long time i didn't allow myself a television, and I used to drop that fact in conversation to impress people. I thought it made me sound dignified. I couple of years ago however, I visited a church in the suberbs, and there was the blowhard precher talking about how watching television rots you brain. He said that when we are watching television, we our minds are working no harder than when we are sleeping. I thought that sounded heavenly. I bought one that afternoon.

--donald miller, blue like jazz

sauna

there are many reasons I love my heritage. One of those reasons is the sauna. 'cause there is nothing like sweating my own sweat and knowing that i did absolutely nothing to get it there.

canvas

ok, so it's been months since ive been here. so what. i guess i had nothing worth telling, a joke is only funny once....or at least it should only be funny once.

Acctually, i've been thinking about art recently. How an artists mind works, seemingly so complex, so beautiful. I wish i was more artsy. i have always wished that. i think i would be if i took the time to show it. I think the only thing I wanted to say here, but can''t find a creative way to say it is that we express things in art that we feel but would never dare admit in real life. It's as if a canvas of any medium becomes a reality to which we can speak freely knowing the deaf ears that hear our complaints.

like a sale at the brick

Miss ..ter

Working at CK, you meet a lot of people. Most are kind older English gentlemen who call you dear, or sweetie. This past week I had a slightly less honest experience. Two ladies sat down and I went to greet them and I complimented one on their bracelets. Bangals , like from india. I like that sort of thing. The thank you to my compliment rang clear in my ears. A deep hearty thank you. It sent shivers down my spine.

The ladies were homely looking. Awkward almost. I would have set them in the catagory of "the awkward people of the world" (perhaps another blog for another time) yet that 'thank you'... Alright, they were more than homely. They were ugly. Down-right-not-pretty-people. Perhaps they were...no, never mind.

I began to judge myself for making such a judgment call. To question someones gender is perhaps the lowest blow to take on someones looks. Yet the "thank you" ...the homeliness...

If they really were that ugly, to spend their time with each other would be the smartest thing to do. I'm sure they would never marry..because ...well...ok, maybe if they met a blind guy. So to spend an evening together out for dinner...

I spent a better part of their stay wondering and finally, after observing their painted toe nails and lovely anklets, I asked the manager, and sure enough, they had been their before, and they were as I thought. Mr & Mr. sick.

Steele the best (by JAK)

film making. it's what I love, it's what, when I get a chance, I do. This "interest" of mine has left me as what I would call a critic. Therefore this review has been written by Jak.

Seraphim Falls. Liam Neeson, Peirce Brosnan, Destination Films 2006. I have to admit, I only wanted to watch this film for one reason. I enjoyed Remington Steele...alright-- i indulged in it. So a new film with Peirce in it caught my attention. Though he's not the dashing young chap he was, I wanted to see what my 1980's hero was up to on the small screen. (as far as I know, it never made it to the "big screen" thank goodness) Unaware of any sort of plot line any sort if idea what this Seraphim fall held in store, I purposed to see it. I sat down today and wasted a good couple hours of my life. The movie starts out with liam chasing peirce through the wilderness. I figure, interesting opening, not telling us why, but letting us see the chase. A few minutes go by. Still very little action, very little reason. Those minutes turn into 1 hour and 20 minutes of chase before we find out why. that's over 2/3rds of the film. Now aleast for the rest of the chase we know what it's about. And he continues chasing him. that's it. That is the movie. It was boring , it was long. It was aweful, to say the least.

I always said I didn't like Peirce, I only like Remington. Now, I know why. He was the best. I suppose they just don't make peirce...I mean movies like they used to.

you know you're in whtiehorse for a while when...

your van is indefinatley in the shop.... there's no place like home.... there's no place like home.... there's no place like home....

You know youre in the yukon when...

there are no sinlge misquitos here in white horse. they are all married and have big families.

You know you live in BC when....

you know that the only thing past Hope is Hell's gate.
(and williams lake....)
(and I suppose I should mention north country and the Yukon where I am going in 2 sleeps.)
(ok it was just geographical humor....)

THANK YOU

this is a special thank you for all my fans who thew a surprise b-day party for me on my 2 weeks before I turn 19 day. You guys rock. Grey owl all the way. Oh hey, know what I never thought of..Robin Crusoe. (or however you say that)

later

you order a pizza?

I've been told that I should not go "looking for boys" I've been told I should just wait. "You never know, perhaps one day God will drop on on your doorstep"....but...you know... I don't think I want to marry the postman, or the pizza guy for that matter.

Santa Baby

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong
sermon on the devil.
One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out.
It's probably just your Dad."

Jones Soda Spelling Snafu...( by dairn peters)

I thought this far too funny not to share...

Recently, they have been searching for the red elixor at corner stores and gas stations and haven't been able to procure any Fu-Fu Berry soda. I thought this strange, so during my trip to Surrey yesterday I decided to drop by a few places and surprise them with my innate ability to successfully forage for Fu-Fu.

At the Chevron gas station, kitty-corner to the Johnston Heights Evangelical Free Church on 152nd Street, I looked at the glass case in dismay, as their Jones Soda selection was somewhat pitiful. As I was leaving the store, the man behind the counter asked if he could help me. I told him I was looking for Fu-Fu Berry flavoured Jones Soda. He said that he would look into ordering it, and proceeded to write it down on a piece of paper. However, in his ethnicity (and me in mine, I might add), he wrote down, "Jones Soda - Fruit Berry." I kindly repeated the name, Fu-Fu Berry, and he kindly repeated, Fruit Berry, back to me.

Now, if I was thinking about ten steps ahead of the game (like a champion chess player or captain of the Enterprise, Jean Luc Picard, for example), I might not have made the mistake of trying to tell him the correct spelling... out loud... to his face.

"No, it's Fu-Fu Berry, that's f-u, f-u..." At this point, my mind just realized what I said to the poor man (f...u, f...u), and I actually reached for his little pencil he was writing with. He repeated, "fruit berry??" to me in his broken english. I replied, "umm, no. It's Fu-Fu... (by this time I'm feeling rather silly saying Fu-Fu) ... f-u... f-... ummm, never mind. Thanks anyways."

Makes you wonder if this is exactly the scenario those Jones Soda people were snickering about when they thought up the Fu-Fu Berry name....

Things that don't add up.

They have "support dry grad" fund raiser at the liquor store. Isn't that a little....ironic? It's like putting a "support our obese" campaign in the bakery, or a "help our homeless" in real estate office. So, you can't have what I'm here to buy, alas I'll not only support me in getting it but I'll support you in not. Somethings mon amie, don't add up.

amazingly simple home remedies

(taken from an email david sent me..)

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember:

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
And finally:

Be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan

Grey Owl

History never looked better.

Bond, Jim Bond. (it's ok, we're friends)

It's about posting things that make you smile, right Leah?

it's like pulling teeth

That phrase used to hold some water, but now, they just gas you. I was on an interesting trip today. yesterday was valentines day. I was being "non dated". today, a whole new outlook on life. I got sedated. i woke up in another room, with a needle in my arm. you know when you're a kid and you go in the merry go round?? I felt the same way, but lying down. dizzy. I also left what little was in my stomach there, in a bowl I got the pleasure of hold bags of peas on my face all day. it brought new meaning to childish term so fondly known as "pee brain". also, i've been experiencing the joys of that which we lovingly call "T3's" I suppose I have been taught well.

and so, what now? one would ask. With four sources of wisdom gone forever, I need to do the only smart thing I know. I need to milk it for all it's worth. See you next week. I'm in recovery.

Roger that...

A recent favorite quote : "I'm not stalking you, I'm just keeping you company...."

I watch a movie last month. It was rated R for brief language, but I didn't hear them talk about tightie whities at all, the whole time. Speaking of brief, I'll make this short, because of it's nature....

I did some research. I have "the guys" email address and last name. I found a small, very small photo, about 2" by 2" and it doesn't even touch the concept of the word justice. now that info I could sell for more than 5 bucks....

over and out

Har har....groan...

So, I just got a phone call confirming the 60 lb of mustard I just ordered. And where can we drop it off? I love that you haven't hit puberty yet and the office you call from has other non puberty kids laughing in the back ground. Whatever happened to good ol' funny prank calls? Do you have jerry in a can?? ....yes sir, we do. "well then , you better let him out!!"
...well I think it was better than the mustard confirmation. Am I suppose to laugh now..?

I sink it's funny...

I don't know if I have raved about this one for a while.....raved is an interesting word....hold on a minute....back. here's a few definitions from dictionary.com Rave:

1.An extravagantly enthusiastic opinion or review

2.An all-night dance party, especially one where techno, house, or other electronically synthesized music is played.

3.(Chiefly British) A raucous party; a rave-up.

...interesting. I never thought of that. i mean the intense opinion and the all night dance party....same word...

anyways, i don't think I've raved about this for a while. the german coast guard commercial. It's epic.(you'll have to copy and paste the link)

http://www.stupidvideos.com/video/commercials/German_Coast_Guard_2/

Jerry on the spot 1

In alot of ways, the book store is like a "smarter than you " store And that's why people are intimidated. Because to walk into a book store you have to admit that there is something that you don't know. And the worst part is, you don't even know where it is. You go into the bookstore and have to ask "where is this? where is that? Not only do I lack knowlege, I don't even know where to get it." So just to walk into a bookstore, you're admitting to the world, "I'm not too bright".

I love the word "beckons"

There's nothing in our "old lives" for us, nothing at all. The best thing to do is give it a decent burial and get on with your new life. God's Spirit beckons. There are things to do and places to go! This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?"

--Eugene Peterson

Brown Paper Bags

All things from the produce go in plastic bags. All except mushrooms. They go in paper bags. They grow in dark brown dirt just to go into brown paper bags to sit in the bottom drawer of the fridge. The only other thing that goes in brown paper bags is moonshine...and barf. Barf goes in brown paper bags. Sometimes, if you get a cookie from a cafe, they give it to you in a brown paper bag. But those bags usually have the cafe name on it, unless it's an underground...no... what do you call them....independent cafe, then it may be a plain bag, in which case you can be assured that that is some crap cookie in there, let me tell you.

Holy Cow

Do you know what this calls for Marianne?!? This calls for BANANA BREAD.
....and that calls for MILK. I think that everything calls for milk. Maybe except....(thinking pause)jello. Jello doesn't call for milk. But everything else calls for milk. I love milk. I love milk so much that if I wasn't a christian I would be a hindu so I could worship cows. That's how much I love milk.

dancing with myself

I'm not a big card game person. I enjoy the occasional game, and
consider myself to be able able to handle a game well enough. Of all
the games one could think of to play, I am having the utmost
difficulty with one. Don't laugh. This is not a laughing matter. I
suck at solitaire. I know, how could it be?? Is that not a game that
you play........ Yes, it's a game you play alone. But I loose
every time. Literally, I have not won yet. If you, my friend think you
can do better, I'll challenge you. Next time you see me, I gladly hand
you my ipod and you can see if you can beat the blasted thing. It must
be set on extreme difficulty. I can't win, I just can't.

72 - 43 = 29

Je pense que ne dorment pas pour hour de 72 est un ne bon pas idea. (that was an attempt at french) After 43 hours, the fight between my mind and the caffeine in jolt took ahold of my will power (and seemingly my ability to see) (all was blurry if I didn't focus) I went to bed at 0:43 hours. Insanity was hit after about 15 hours, on the first night, new years eve. (when i would normally be awake anyways)
I was told a number of times from a few people "Jen, I'm so glad that you don't drink" So am I my friend, so am I....

Day one of "back to reality": installing myself back into functioning society, I experienced some technical difficulties, or memory laps (or lasps, i don't remember what one)aka brain farts. where I had difficulty remembering events of the past few days. I was also unaware of what had happened on tv vs real life vs in my head. I found myself having to second and third guess information I thought I had, and where it truly originated from.

and so this moring a woke up at a healthy 9:30 like a 'normal' functioning member of society. either way, I came 29 hours from....(dun dun dun.......) true insanity.

72 and nothing.

Probably at something like 34 hours or something now. This perhaps may sound highly unusual, but I have nothing to say. No really funny stories, no obscure observations. I'm tired, but that's about it.

There are two things I love to do. Nothing,as I have previously stated, and on the opposite side of the spectrum, something. Like to accomplish something, be productive. It feels good. In the past 34 or so hours, I have accomplished nothing. Perhaps even less than that.

So I have this to report of my journey to insanity: nothing.

2 GB later

i didn't get the 30 GB iPod that I wanted for Christmas. did however get the 2GB which in reality, apart from the teen girl squad lackage, it does the same thing. (for 28 GB difference, I am suprizingly surprised.) I am, as you could say, a happy camper.

Now I can be antisocial anytime I want. I have even considered wearing the ear buds while not listening to music just to avoid being talked to. It's kind of like being alone in crowd of people.

I think that being alone stimulates creativity and imaginationary skills because no one is there to laugh at you or your really stupid (I mean creative) ideas.

That is however, a very nice little white elephant that you have sitting on your lap. I love it's sombrero, though I would suggest that it stops chewing on the mouse cord and that it would do something more productive, like read a book. There's a curious George picture book in that dresser over there. No, look higher.... Yup. on the top there. He'll like that one, especially the colorful balloons. Or maybe the yellow hat...

Merry Christmas Charlie Brown

Charlie Brown: This little green one looks like it needs a home.
Linus Van Pelt: I don't know. Remember what Lucy said? This doesn't seem to fit the modern spirit.
Charlie Brown: I don't care. We'll decorated and it'll be just right for our play. Besides, I think it needs me.

In this day and age where one may say "Gee, do they still make wooden chritams trees?" the kelly's have stuck hard to tradition and have refused to conform to the commercial synthetic christmas trees. You may as well eat turkey from a frikken box if that's what you're going to do. Four days before Christmas, my dad finally went out to get us a tree. "home depot is out of trees. Look up the number for something else" was the phone call I got. Rona was out too. Three or four stores later, he came home with a tree.

Now, the day before christmas eve, we get around to setting it up. I look in the garage to see it, my heart drops. Trees are meant to be big and bushy. Full of green and big. Did I mention big? This tree doesn't quite fit the "modern spirit" It's as tall as I am, and if I stretch my arms big, I can hug it all the way around.
Oh well, I suppose that I can decorate it and it'll be just right. Besides, I think it needs me.

...I never wanted to be a tree hugger. Specially a christmas tree hugger. oh well, merry christmas Charlie Brown.

roses are red

roses are red....


It is said that a rose by any other name would smell as sweet. It is true, and I dare say that I would rather call a rose something other than "rose", so that the rose knew it was not "just another rose" but it was important to me, something of significance.

I wish, and this is far fetched....that I had a nick name for like everyone. one that actually stuck. That would be wicked. The names would have to be the ones that roll off the tongue. Not the forced ones that you need to think about, but the amazing ones that just plain work. The kind that others pick up on and outsiders question. So if I ever start to call you something other than your name, don't be concerned. it's just in attempt to fulfill my dream of a world by a different name.....

nothing

I am so glad it has snowed. Snow gives justification to do nothing. Have I ever told you how much I love nothing? I love it allot. Nothing is what you add to something that is great already and it makes it just as good. "this soup is great, what does it need?"

"nothing"

oh it's great.

Suicidal Fish

What have I done to provoke this? I have treated him so badly? This morning, I looked over at one of the bowls on the bathroom counter. Flashes or red spun around inside. I look away for only a second and when I looked back--emptiness. One of the fish jumped! While I was in there! I quickly came to the rescue and put it back in the bowl. But what did I do to it to make it a suicidal fish? I really don't know. I didn't even know they could jump.

The King and I

I got a couple of crowns from burger King and Jansen and I wore them for medieval feast. (this is not Jansen)(or me, obviously).

Hey Stranger pt 2

"I love to reminisce with people I just met. It takes a substantially longer time mind you..."

I read that quote on some newsletter I picked up from burger king today.( i'm gonna rock the crown tomorrow night) It made me laugh. But, hey. Have I ever told you that I'm shy? I mean, I don't really like meeting new people. and come to think about it, I don't like new people meeting me. I find it's to easy to get people wrong. I mean, when I met you for the first time, I never thought I'd like you this much. (that's for whoever reading this that needs and ego boost) I mean, when people meet people, the first impression never does them justice. They don't understand where they are coming from. why they are the way they are. I guess that's life. Like, to quote myself "but....then again, you and I were strangers once too....and really, you even check my blog now...."

The Simple Life

Speaking of such things as the simple life, a life less complicated, I was reminded of a story, a myth it almost seems in my head, cause I can't see it, it doesn't ring true, but apparently, when my parents got married, everyone thought they were crazy, but they both quit their jobs and they were going to "live off the land". now that's kickin it in the simple, less complicated life. It's just so hard for me to grasp cause I never knew my parents back then, I wasn't born yet. But the same that now will buy processed cheese once desired to live off the land. How much we change....

To be or not to be?

The drops poured down from the grey clouds for one of the first times this season. Driving in the rain I felt a certain sence of melancholy. Not a depressed state, but a thoughtful one. Sobering almost. I was thinking on people, relationships in general and as we drove, a line from shakespear ran through my mind...

"All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances..."

I felt, at that moment, unusually poetic, and so, as we would assume I "what the heck" ed, told the people around me what was going through my head, and we all laughed at my expense, an expense well spent. It was however a really wierd moment, so I thought I'd share it, for as you read this, truly you observe me on the stage, and now my exit comes. Adiue.

The Way I See It....

Life is too complicated. I mean, think about it. The other day I got a tall, sugar-free, hazelnut soy steamed milk. Or at a restaurant. "I'll have the steak burger" "is that a western, or a bbq?" "bbq" "would you like that blue, blue rare, medium rare, rare, medium well or well done" "in between a rare and a medium rare" "and is that with fries, curly fries, onion rings, soup or salad?" "uh, I better have that salad" "tossed, green, ceasar or vegetarian?"(ok I added vegetarian) "whats the difference between the tossed and the green?" "The green has more cucumber" "I'll have the tossed" "Is that with Mediterranean, thousand island, ranch, cool ranch , low fat ranch or herb?" "do you have a low fat cool ranch?" "Yes we do. Is that all or can I get you something else?" ".........thats all, thanks" "can I refill you water while Im here?" "Please"

What was the simple life? I dare say I never lived there. Yet here, in my world of choices, I find myself so often amused my the things I can choose from that I rarely have time to try any of them. Is this a bad thing? I think not, it simply ("simply") means that life, though complicated, will never be boring.

30GB of sanity

Encouraging introverts? Producing anti-social? What is the ipod generation? Here's what I'm thinking about. I turn on an ipod and dance around. I sing out loud. It doesn't' make any sense to anyone else, but cause they see the ipod, it's alright. Perhaps not completely socially acceptable, but at least we can smile and nod. The ipod-ee says "If only you could see hear what's in my head, you'd understand!"

I think I have the ipod way of life with out the little white box. I mean, though I have no ipod, I feel as though I constantly am saying "if only you could see inside my head, if only you could hear! Then, oh then you would understand." The ipod generation is off in their own world. Perhaps I've found that other world rather entertaining also.

Needless to say, new on JAKs Christmas list is a 30GB ipod. Now they are capable of carrying full length features, as well as pod casts and strong bad emails and teen girl squad episodes and all such good things. amazing.

Bikes, OJ and Oprah

Sometimes humans combine things that really make me question our..oh I dunno...sanity perhaps? Perhaps this is normal to you. Maybe you are not as wierded out as me. Stereo types make me laugh. They are so funny. It's like taking the good things in life and becoming an extremist of sorts. Here are two types of people who I never thought would work together. Let me introduce you to Mike. Mike is a fun loving guy who sees the benefit of keeping in top physical condition. He runs 3k each morning before he eats a bowl of those little circles we all love. Sing it with me now.."o-o-o-o cheerios" After that he'll head for his fitness room to ride the bike for a while. Mike, and his bike, love fitness. Joe in the other hand is a couch potato. Exercise is walking to the tv to change the channel when the battery is dead. To the fridge for another cold one. OJ that is. To the bathroom for, well, you know. Joe is a tv junkie.

Now let's try something, shall we? Let's take tvs, and put them on treadmill, on elliptical and on bikes. Is this only ironic to me? Is no one else laughing? Joe and Mike will never be friends. They're to stubbornly living the stereo type. Treadmill and TV's don't mix. They not only serve different purposes, they are arch enemies in their purposes. Treadmill are for running, being active. TV are for nothing, being lazy. sitting. comfort. relaxing. They don't mix, it's like putting a bed in the super market so you can sleep while you shop. You just don't. I saw this combo today and was confused. Now, If you'll excuse me, I have a runnig date with Oprah. Thanks.

tomato tomoto

Knowlege is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is knowing that it doesn't go in a fruit salad.

observing the wrong things

There's that song we sang as kids..."one of these things just doesn't belong here, one of these things just isn't the same..." Remember? This concept is used in the recent trident SPLASH gum commercials. With country music playing, line dancers at a saloon type pub are kindly joined on the dance floor by a guy in a neon green speedo. Every time I see it, I think of the song. The speedo is green to match the apple raspberry gum.

Having seen the commercial many a time, (even more after the Williams "lake too much tv" incidents....) I knew that it was green, for sure. No questions asked. Then, In Save On foods in williams lake, The giant cut out of this guy was in a red one ( a speedo that is. It was a good shade red for the commercial, but I was confused of why they switch, so I piped out, "hey, that should be a green speeedo" as a worker was passing buy. I didn't see his face, but I have come to the conclusion that that was the funniest thing that happened to him at work, and he went home to his family and discussed the comment over dinner. Then later, so perplexed at why I practically yelled out about a speedo, he looked up the web site to see the commercial. Thinking it was so funny, he went to his own blog and wrote about it, directing his friend to the site, and directing his best regards to, and I quote, "the girl at save on who weirded him out at first, but in a round-about way, showed me the path to this amazing commercial." Here's to splash gum, making williams lake exciting, one speedo at a time.

Long Awaited Arrivals

Months back I did a survey about what people thought of the polar bear on top of some hottub store in langley and if it increased business or not. Here's what a few people had to say: (it's a little long, but this is by request so..."bear" with me....(groan)

"some kids might want to climb up on the roof to play with the giant bear" -mel

"that idea is just as obsered as say,
"pinnapples?". Let's take the Coke Bear, because he
has been developed far better...
>>>It creates a picture for people to associate with
the product.<<<" -mark

"the polar bear is very important to the hot tub culture. It was hailed as a god to an icelandic tribe who invented the hot tub. Back then they built them out of stone and heated them with molten lava. The story goes that the cheif Unca uu lucnoi was adopted buy the polar bear cumunity when his family and tribe were killed off in a great war known as the war of the OIeau'ntain lands. The polar bear was hailed as god. This is very important to the ansetors of Unca uu lucnoi. Which are actually now a secrete society that control most of the hot tub and inground pool industry to this day." -dave

"The fact that you are talking about the polar bear, is proof that atleast
the marketing element of the bear is completely working" -joel

"the polar bear would increase the sales of the hot tubs becaues if a hot tub is good enough to keep a polar bear warm then it must be sufficient enough to keep us warm. " sarah

"did you ever relise that there was a hot tub selling place there before? well if you answer 'no' than the polar bear did it's job." --alicia

"this is the reason...and this case is a perfect example of marketing in action.
See, if you would have said "Yesterday I drove by Maximum Hot Tub and saw something cool", I would have had no idea what you were talking about. BUT, when you mentioned the giant out of place polar bear, I immediately knew the exact location you were talking about. Here is an example converstion to illustrate my point:
"Hey Jimmy-boy, have you seen that new patio set in front of Remmington's Discount Furniture?"
"Ummm....no, what's Remmington's?"
"You know, that store with the giant blow up three legged dog beside the road"
"AHHHH, yes...and I had noticed that patio set. In fact, I'll go buy it now"
--jon

"I think that if we see something that is supposed to be cold enjoying something that is supposed to be hot, then we will come to the conclusion, that everyone will enjoy a hot tub, if a polar bear enjoys a hot tub. "-jess

"I must say that the inflatable creatures (and objects) would not attract me to enter a particular building, and if the creature is hideous enough it may even deter me from entering. The only reason I beleive that these stores have these inflatable objects is to display thier wealth and power. Wouldn't you? It's like "Hey we have some extra money kicking around, what shall we do with it, Sam?" "Why don't we invest in a large and hideous (did I mention tacky) inflatable object to stick on the roof of our business...perhaps it will even draw in more customers, Frank..." "Good idea Sam, get on it right away will you..." "Sure thing Frank, after I'm finished this donut" (Yes I see them as middle-aged and slightly overweight)." -leah


"i think that businesses put HUGE polar bears and so forth on the roofs of the buildings in order to catch the eyes...like they did with yours....next time you drive by a place with something on the roof..if you get a chance..stop by inside the business and ask.."so what's with the polar bear" i'm sure they'd give you some clever answer..and if not..then they're lame..." -channy

"I think that it is a subconscience way in which business owners get people to remember their business and potentially go inside to see what it is." --brooke

A W N H T O C

While working in the cafeteria this week, I got the "privilege" of dealing with the asians who never have their own cutlery, or the AWNHTOC if you will. Well, every day around 12:02, a bunch of these AWNHTOC would come and ask me for a "pork" (translated fork) After three days of telling them "ill give you it today, but tomorrow you have to bring your own" one persistent AWNHTOC came and asked me once more. Sternly, I put on my best authoritative voice, breathed in and let out a good strong, but not scary, "No". Dejected the kid walked away. I felt bad, but hey, I told him 3 times already. I went back to work only to be interrupted not 3 minutes later by the little guy. He looked at me with his deep brown asian eyes and said with a slight plea in his voice "spoon??" Needless to say, I promptly got him the fork he wanted in the first place. Silly little AWNHTOC.

Personality Crisis

There's a new york dolls song entitled "personality crisis" I don't know what the rest of the songs about, but on the topic of personality crisis. It's like, you know who you are, what your about, what your doing and it's all good. Then, by some freak chance you find yourself in a very different place in life. Today, I found myself in a whirwind of uncertainty. Life didn't make sense. The things around me were so blurred, so confusing. All this ended with a clashing sound as I put cash down on the counter. My purchase was bagged, and I headed out of the store. Who am I? How can I think the things I do and yet fall so low? I don't understand. Who is this face I see in the mirror? I bought pants today. Beige pants. Here's the biggie. They're from the GAP. It's ok, my name is still the same, you can reach me at the same phone number, my person is ok, but I don't know who I am. I purchased something from the GAP. I'm so lost. Please, don't treat me any differently, this situation is hard enough as it is. I heard that when you fall in the bottomless pit, you die of starvation. Does body have some luchables? or a juice box? ...I love you too Bret.

change of heart

Before I say anything, I would like to apologize for anything I have said about talking to strangers. It was a load of crock.

Number one worst "opening line" sent my way (the line to start conversation) : "Do you have any rolling papers?" --enough said.

Number one thing not to say to a girl who looks like she is not interested in talking to you: "So can I call you sometime...or am I too much for you?"

Number one worst place to be when such things are said: Waiting for the train, alone sitting inbetween the black guy saying this and a middle age brown guy who thinks you want to know in his broken english about his job at the liquor store.

Number one thing to do when this happens: Go to the next car on the skytrain when it comes.

Number one other thing to do: Pray real hard (as if you weren't already) when the black guy shows up in your train after a few stops.

He left the next stop after I told him I was reading "Battle cry for a Generation" I asked God to kick him off the train.
(and the brown guy stopped looking interested when I said I was going to school to maybe be a pastor)

Now at my last stop, another guy who had seen the black guy talking to me, and saw the look on my face, was concerned if "my friend" was getting off at the same stop. It was the end of the line so ya buddy, he is. The concern in his voice was comforting, so I asked if I could walk off the train with him. He didn't seem to mind, and I knew my ride was right there anyway.

All this to say SCREW functioning member of society. I hate the skytrain.

mumsdollar

I don't know how to creat an official link, but check out this bands myspace sometime, they seem alright.

http://www.myspace.com/mumsdollar

dangerous cookies

Today I went door to door talking to strangers and inviting them to summerjam (the awesome concert that I will be working during....such is life, eh?) But no, I thought I'd give you an update. I still talk to strangers, and hey, so long as they speak english (I had a few flash backs to ministering in mexico where no one understands english, and really, surrey can be something of a little india is what I'm getting at) Really, talking to strangers on the skytrain, that's really puts you in very little danger, but perhaps this door to door stuff could pose more of a problem. Really, I'm just a girl. I talked with some mean looking guys today. I kept picturing this cage of girl guides in the basement. All they were doing was selling cookies. "Really sir, they are only 3 dollars. No I don't want any candy...uhh....no, I don't want to step inside that metal cage......" Yet my mom tells me not to talk to strangers on the train, but door to door in Surrey, now that's better...hmmmm maybe I can check the girl guides blog while she's down there..

Hey Stranger

"Be safe" "be careful" "look before you cross the street" "don't talk to strangers" common sense. All of it. Or at least I should hope.But is one really more careful if told to be so? I don't think so. Do we look before crossing the street because of instruction or out of instinct? And as for strangers, what's so bad about them? I ride the skytrain to work (like a functioning member of society, perhaps another tale for another time) And I am always so tempted to talk to people. Something inside me. Perhaps I don't like to do nothing, and I like to talk, so instead of sitting in silence on the 10 minute ride to work, I would rather chat. But I have been told, no ...trained.....no....I have been brainwashed to not talk to strangers, so I hold my tongue. Sometimes I literally bite down on it to refrain from talking. Why? That's what I'm to do. My Dad talks to strangers all the time, why can't I? I mean, I won't go talking to the guy across from me who smells of alcohol, or the angry couple using other f words than frivolous, frugal or (crap, I still don't remember the third) but maybe the middle aged lady with pain in her eyes, or the old lady who looks so at peace or the young girl pushing a stroller that should be holding her younger sibling but it isn't. Maybe I can talk to them. Cause for real, like everyday, I want to talk to someone, but I don't....Cause they're a stranger, but....then again, you and I were strangers once too....and really, you even check my blog now....

frozen bikes and a working mind

So, I worked for the first time today. Here is what working does to you. I'm talking on the phone with Amanda, right? and I told her that her bike was in the fridge. Yes, that's right Amanda, your bike is in the fridge. No, I left it in the garage, but in my mind after working for the first time in a while, it's in the fridge. I hope this isn't going to happen every time I work...it's no fun to ride a cold bike anyways.

who's Jimmy?

"I have to tell you something....I saw you with Jimmy last night"

"What are you talking about?"

"Don't play innocent now. I know what I saw."

"....I ...I didn't want you to find out like this."

"You know, I thought you were you were my friend. I really did...I can't even look at you right now. Just....just get out of my car."

as seen in JAM PRODUCTIONS TV Sucks

"F"rivilous

Nothing humors me more than this: "just because" It's this concept, this way of life that truly gets me by. Just because I can, just because I want to, just because it's there. It's a sort of justification for frivolous acts. Frivolous; you may wonder what I mean by that. According to the dictionary, it is Inappropriately silly. I thought that was so funny. Children, yes, children are frivolous...or are they wise? They do what they want, when they want. (and have fun doing it) Why? Just because. Perhaps this sounds ignorant, maybe even immature, but why have we stopped? We never do what we want when we want, and the genius ideas we have never happen. Why? I don't know. We can never justify our frivolous acts. We live with a necessity of reason and necessity of purpose. For life as a whole, of course I agree, but perhaps, (maybe even today), do something you want to. Be inappropriately silly. ...and please, do it just because.